My Isaiah Joseph,
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I was anxious this morning, therapy was rough and I cried the entire time, then my anger started coming back in the afternoon, but this evening I was able to feel some sense of peace and calm at Kids Hurt Too. It was a potluck, you would have loved it. Plus, there was pizza and hot dogs. What more could you ask for? Mrs. Whitney helped me figure out what to bring. I was overly stressed about such a pointless thing, but I felt a lot of pressure bringing food there. There were more kids there than usual and some of them have been going there for years. I think your siblings got a little overwhelmed and kind of just stuck together. That’s fine. They still had a good time. Ellie told the group that she lost you at the beach, I think that’s the first time she told anyone there? They are the only ones there who have lost a sibling, but it’s comforting to just be around a group of people who “get it”.
Since we moved here, I always wanted to find a local family who would invite me to one of their big picnics they have at the beach every weekend. Two years in, still haven’t gotten it. I’m being optimistic though and maybe I will get invited to one before we move. The lady leading the group tonight asked if I had been back to the beach since everything happened. I told them I’ve been to the beach, but I had vowed that I was never going to go back to the beach everything occurred at again. Not even just that lagoon, I wanted to steer clear of Ko Olina all together. I told them though, that I was having a change of thought and have thought about going down to the lagoon where it all happened and just sit in it. I just want to come face to face with it and try and work through everything. A bunch of people at the group said they’d be more than happy to come down with me and just sit there and cry or scream with me. I know it sounds really odd, but that was comforting. I just met these people, but feel a connection to them that doesn’t even need to be talked about. Although they didn’t lose a child, they lost someone extremely important to them and are navigating through it with their kids. They also suggested we take a group trip to this rage room where you just go in and break things. I’m not against that either. If they offer again next meeting, I may take them up on their offer.
I talked to my trauma therapist today about my anger. I told her how I don’t know who or what I’m exactly angry at, but I’m just upset with things as a whole. Although she said it’s normal because I’m going through both grief and a traumatic experience, I still don’t have a way of dealing with it. I learned today at the group that a lot of people drive out to the ocean and just scream. Maybe I will try that?
You were so much to this family, Isaiah Joseph. Although I miss you so much and cry at the drop of a hat, I have so many memories that I can go back to and just smile at. There were times where my heart hurt so much for you, but I knew you would be okay. On your last day at school in Missouri, they were having like a Christmas party/movie thing after school. When I came to pick you up and you came out, you just cried. You didn’t want to leave Missouri. You didn’t want to leave some of your good friends in your class. You cried again this year after your last day of school. You didn’t want it to be over, you’d miss your friends and Mrs. Holmes. You were an amazing kid with a huge heart. I love you more than anything. I’m going to try not to force “signs”. I love you so much.