Isaiah Joseph,

Hi baby boy. Just another day of missing you. Just another day of trying to figure out how this is our new reality.

I had a talk tonight with daddy about how we are handling things. He thinks I’m “handling them so much better”, but it’s just different. Daddy is just mad and grieving everything you didn’t get a chance to do in life. You were just eight years old, you had SO MUCH life ahead of you. I told daddy I can’t go down that hole though. I can’t let myself get so angry that it consumes me, because I won’t be able to get back from that. Instead, I’m choosing to focus on all that you did do in just a short eight years. You were an amazingly kind human, a wonderful brother, extremely smart and imaginative, funny, and made a positive impact on peoples’ lives. You got to experience so much. You got to live in four different states. You got to meet people from all over. You got to experience what a true best friend was. You got to climb mountains, snorkel in the ocean, find things you were really passionate about, and you got to explore who you actually were as a person. These are the things I need to focus on. I can’t allow myself to go down into that hole. If I allowed myself to sink into that hole, I don’t think I would be able to get myself out. I know you didn’t get nearly enough time in life, but I also know you made sure you made the most of the time you did have on this earth. I want to celebrate the time you had and who you were, I can’t focus on everything you were robbed of.

A few weeks ago we went to the commissary, all four of you and me. You grabbed my hand in the parking lot as we were walking in and just held my hand. At the time when you did it, I told myself “make note of this, remember this”. You were getting older, you have younger siblings I needed to watch closely in parking lots, I didn’t know how many other times I would have you wanting to hold my hand. I’m thankful I clocked that at the time as being something important. It was. It was the last time I had you reach out to hold my hand, and I was able to remember it.

I also went to the beach today where you and I went a few weeks ago because I wanted to be at the beach and nobody else wanted to go. You volunteered and went all in. We made some memories that day that I can cling on to. Maybe somehow my mind wanted to prepare me. I feel like I usually get caught up in everything that’s going on and “miss the moments”. That day though, I took it all in. We snorkeled together, we made each other two amazing mermaid tails out of sand, and you told me you liked spending time with just us. I know since there’s so many of us, one on one time can be harder to come by. You know the string you guys would use to “slingshot” yourselves down the beach and into the water? They took the rope down, now it’s a big piece of fabric as a fence. I’m sure you would have figured out a way to slingshot yourself with the new setup, but it hurt a little to see the change with you no longer here

Elijah and Lucas were playing a game to remember you this morning. You know how you would ask math questions, I would tell you the answer, and no matter what you would yell “wrong!”? Daddy and I had to tell you to explain to the boys that they didn’t give you the wrong answers so it wouldn’t mess up their math knowledgeably , you just were doing your own thing. Well this morning in my bed, Lucas and Elijah came in and just started asking me to spell words. The funny thing is, in reality neither of them technically knew how to spell the words they were asking. Once I was done spelling the word, they’d yell “wrong! It’s”…and they’d say the word they asked me to spell. It went on for a few minutes and they both were really enjoying themselves. It’s nice to see the things they held on to and how they’re processing remembering you.

Our visitors have started to trickle out of the house, with Aunt Nae Nae and Aunt Tati leaving today. The house has been noisy, busy, and has had a lot going on since daddy and I got back home from the hospital. I’m worried that once everyone leaves and it settles down that I will really notice the quiet and your absence. It’s something that obviously needs to happen anyway, but I’m worried about how it’ll hit me.

I was going through the videos again yesterday and found one that one of your siblings recorded. I got a huge smile on my face. It was a video of you stomping around and mad at me because I told you that you needed to go brush your teeth before bed. “Worst day ever”. Outside the house you were a polite, well mannered, and never gave attitude. Nope, you saved the attitude just for us. Hearing and seeing you stomp around in the kitchen was nice. You didn’t complain about much. You took on challenges and went fully in. However, simple things that you just didn’t want to do got the stomping every day. They also got the saying of “brushing your teeth is so stupid”. I’m happy I have video of some of those moments and they don’t have to just live in my memory.

You haven’t been able to visit yet, I know you’re busy. I am going to hold on to the “sign” you sent me at the hospital. On the drive there I told you “baby, just let me know you’re alright and that you know how much we love you. Just send me a sign”. The first sign in my mind was pizza. I mean, you would have happily lived off pizza for the rest of your life. In my mind though I didn’t like that sign. How would I ever just see pizza? Would someone bring pizza to the room? I wasn’t understanding how I would get my sign. Because I was so worried about not getting it, I tried to think of other signs you could use, but I never landed on one. Things in your room got too much for daddy after I got back in the room with the family and he had to leave. For whatever reason, he went down to the second floor. Daddy then sent me pictures of what they had for dinner, something he would never really do. We hadn’t talked about eating dinner. I didn’t say I was hungry. Daddy would usually just ask me what I wanted and then list what they had. For whatever reason, daddy took a picture of the pizza and sent it to me to see if I wanted it. I took that as my sign. I saw that picture and told myself “he’s alright and he knows how much he’s loved”. Maybe I created that whole situation in my mind, but I’m taking it as a sign from you. How it all unfolded was so uncharacteristic of how everything would typically play out for us.

I hope to see you soon, baby. As each day passes by I miss you more and more. However, as each day has passed by I hear more and more memories from people about you and get to hear how you made a lasting impact on earth. We all love and miss you more than humanly possible. Please watch over us.