Isaiah Joseph,
Today sucked. There’s no other way to put it. I feel like I’m surrounded by support. I’m getting messages, calls, our house is full, I swear I haven’t had to really think in like a week and a half, but I feel so lost and alone. About a month ago I was struggling and crying on the bathroom floor. You came in to check on me and told me you loved me. I could use those same words from you now.
We went to the swap meet today, you would have really liked it. I’ve wanted to go since we moved here, but I didn’t understand the parking situation so I never took you guys. That’s a regret. I stopped by one of the stands where a local mom and daughter make jewelry together. I wanted to get something to remind me of you. I looked at a few things, but didn’t know what I was looking for. I asked the daughter if she could help me find something. I told her I just lost my eight year old and started to tear up a little. She asked your name and then your favorite color. I told her your favorite color was red. After looking around, she only had one piece of jewelry with any red in it. It was a bracelet with a small, red butterfly charm on it. I smiled, because that was perfect. After it was decided that you would donate, I learned that butterflies are used as a symbol for organ donation/transplants. One of our favorite nurses got each of you a rock with a butterfly painted on it to put it outside the house. There was also a butterfly someone made hanging on your hospital room door. I bought the bracelet and have just randomly stared at it all day. You didn’t see it, you didn’t pick it, but every time I look at it I think of you.
I went for a walk tonight and was telling Miss Brittany and Miss Whitney all about “stuff city”. I told them how you got your brothers so excited and they always wanted to go even though it was just a house that was always getting rid of things. I also told them about that baby toy you brought home a few months ago..the sweeper that sings music and picks up those things that look like coins? I couldn’t believe you brought it home, why do we need a baby toy when we are trying to get rid of things? It’s still in the house. It still gets played with randomly by your brothers. Touché. I guess I was wrong, it made you guys happy.
Lucas and Elijah think you’re playing games with them. Lucas came upstairs to find his orange Pac-Man ghost under my bed. He got flustered and started asking everyone if they “put Clyde under my bed”. Nobody put Clyde under the bed, I joked and said it was you playing tricks on him. He started to laugh. Then he went downstairs and looking for any other things that were misplaced that you may have moved. In total, he had three different things he thought you did. I laughed and told him you’re just playing tricks on him because you know you can’t get blamed.
I always joked that you thought you were invincible. Well maybe you didn’t think that way, but you acted like it. You were always running around everywhere, jumping off things that were way too high, walking down the stairs with a hamper over your head, and running into things like trees while sled riding and a pole while walking to speech in Virginia. Remember a few months ago when I ruined your life because I told you that you couldn’t race cars down the hill while you would sit on your skateboard? I was the worst mom ever and caused you to have “the worst day ever”, even though you promised me that you “wouldn’t die”. I guess I kind of thought you were invincible myself. I thought it was crazy you had never broken a bone or anything. At some point your crazy antics just seemed to become who you were. Do it now, think later..maybe. That should have been your motto. You went from invincible to “gone” in the blink of an eye.
I have the card you made me for Mother’s Day next to my bed. You gave me a coupon for one free hour of peace and quiet. You drew a picture of us hiking. You said I make you happy when I “give you hugs and kisses”. I’m glad I have things like this. I’m glad I have the drawings, the cards, and even the things you tried to fix for me. The other day when I was in the kitchen, I reached up to look at that Hickory Dickory Dock bowl that I had since I was a baby. I had used it for cheese, Bella knocked it down, and broke it into pieces. You immediately took action, put the puzzle pieces of the broken bowl back together, and taped the entire thing together. It was destroyed and essentially still is, but you attempted to fix it for me.
I’m tired baby. I can’t miss you any more than I do right now. This will never be okay. I will miss you every single day for the rest of my life.