Hello my baby,
Today wasn’t as physically taxing as yesterday. I thought maybe I was getting sick, but I’m fine today. The grief from your loss is not just mentally and emotionally exhausting, I’m physically exhausted. I was easily up and getting the day started when you were here at 5:30am. Usually, that’s when you woke me up to ask if you could get up. Now it doesn’t matter how early I go to bed. I still wake up at 6:30am exhausted. Ellie has stopped waking me up throughout the night to make sure I’m still breathing, so that’s a little better. I have to force myself out of bed in the morning. Once I’m out of bed I still feel like I’m just existing. There’s so much I want to do, but I’m just out of it.
Because of your genetic testing findings, Ellie goes for an EEG on Monday morning since she’s had all those headaches since kindergarten. I can’t help but wonder how we could have gotten you an EEG. You would have thought that after that outburst in Maryland they would have done one at the hospital, but they didn’t. If we somehow would have gotten you one, would they have found anything? If we knew you had this and you took medicine, would this still have happened? They say to stay away from all the “what if” questions, but I can’t help it. We saw all these weird things. We asked medical doctors all these questions. Nobody thought it was an issue. All I’ve read is how difficult it is to diagnose, but what if? Would you still be with me? Would Ellie still have her partner in crime that she always fought with? This morning, Lucas laid down on the bench in the garage. He just went off on how he wishes he would have let you push him down in the water one more time. I made sure to tell him that you knew how much he loved you. I also told Lucas how there was a lot of things I thought about like that too.
Big news..well not ground breaking news, but Elijah asked us to play Rudy with him today. When you started going back to public school, Elijah missed you so much. I would ask him if I could play Rudy with him, but he said only you can play it with him. I didn’t want Rudy to disappear, he loved playing that with you. He gave zero directions about how this game actually works. He was building with blocks for a little bit and then looked at me and passive aggressively says “well I guess I’m the one building here”. I got to play once. However, I guess daddy is better at playing Rudy because I got replaced. In the middle of playing, he asked if daddy could come back when he was done doing what he was doing. I tried not to take it personally. I still don’t understand the game, so it’s okay.
We got a card in the mail today from one of your kidney recipients. I immediately started crying. They thanked us for your amazing gift and said they hoped they could meet us in person. The person who received it was someone’s mom. I’m going to write them back and tell them everything about you. They need to know the amazing kid that kidney came from.
Today we painted our flower pots for your garden and bought our plants for the pots. We got a lot of red plants since that was your favorite color. Lucas chose a tomato plant since you loved tomatoes. Elijah chose an eggplant. I think he chose it because there were two eggplants growing on it and he found that amazing. Ellie painted her pot for you with a Minecraft theme. She did a really good job. There’s a zombie on it, a baby zombie, Alex, and Steve. She also made a “day” side and a “night” side. Daddy’s pot has a teddy bear on it and mine will eventually have Lego faces on it. I only got the initial three coats painted on the pot. I will finish it tomorrow. We are going to put your butterfly rocks out by the garden too.
I’ve been forcing myself to take some pictures when we do things. I don’t want to take pictures, our family is not whole. It also says that more time is passing since we lost you. Your siblings still need their childhoods. They’ve already been scarred by the loss of their brother. We need to keep making memories. I just hate doing it without you. I signed us up for a family paint night at the arts and crafts center. Each person in the family paints their canvas as a shoreline and they connect to make a big long painting. I asked if I could somehow make one for you. On the canvas, everyone will be able to actually write in the sand part. I am going to bring in something with your handwriting and they said we can figure something out. We can also bring in shells and sea glass that we have found on the beaches, so I will bring in some of the ones you have in your room. I cannot make a “family art project” and leave you out of it. You are our family.
It’s a very odd feeling to have to be here and present for your siblings, but wanting to be with you at the same time. To try and create new memories, while longing for all the ones that have passed. I just feel like part of me is missing at all times. I want to be with you. I want to hear all about your day. I want to watch you get so excited playing video games. I want every little part of you back. I’ve been told that when I have “accepted” the loss of you, I won’t cry at the drop of a hat. I can’t imagine a time when that won’t happen. I got asked today if I was ready to pack up your room. Excuse me? I will not even paint your room back to white until right before we move out of here. I can’t even think of packing up your room. Then what? All these memories just exist in boxes? I can’t fathom any of that right now. I miss you more than I have words for. You were so much to this family and it’s too quiet around here without you. I wish this never happened. I wish we were still a whole family. This is the one time in my life where I wish I could turn back time. Goodnight, sweetie. I love you more than anything.