Isaiah Joseph,

Today was rough. It started out okay. I woke up earlier and went down to Aweoweo and walked to Mokuleia. Then I just sat down and started at the ocean. At one point, I laid down and was just looking up at the clouds to see what I saw. There were a lot of ones that resembled horses. You would have appreciated the one that looked like a turtle who farted. I know it would have made you laugh. I walked back to Aweoweo and decided to just sit there a little more. Then I saw you. Not really you, but two different versions of you in boys at the beach. The older kid looked to be about your age. I was far enough away that his silhouette resembled you. It wasn’t just that though. Just watching him play in the sand, it was just like you. At one point he was bent down and digging in the sand like a dog, something you always did. We’d have to constantly remind you to take it down a notch because you were flinging sand near other people. If we were alone on the beach though, you took advantage. Even the way he ran up the beach looked like you. His head was down as he ran with such heavy legs. Then there was another boy, but he was probably only around one. He was sitting right in front of me at the edge of the ocean. All I could think about was one year old you when you went to the beach for your first time ever. You loved the pool and actually stood in the ocean. Ellie wanted nothing to do with either of those things. I just kept picturing you sitting there in your baseball all-star shirt I always put on you. I still have the shirt. I kept a lot that were special and reminded me of certain points in life with you guys. I couldn’t take much more of it so I got up to go back home. After leaving the beach, it was just a lot of crying and missing you.

Remember that blue sticky hand you got stuck up on the really high window in the front room? You were trying to hit daddy with it, let go, and it got stuck up there. You were so upset, but he didn’t have that high of a ladder to get that thing down. Well maintenance came today and opened up those blinds for me. When he was up there, he retrieved your blue sticky hand. Ellie brought it up and I lost it. Daddy put it on the shelf because I told him I don’t want anything to happen to it. It’s some of the most random things that I’m attached to now. Pretty much anything that remotely reminds me of you.

Baby, I just want to see your face. I miss you so much. There’s random songs I listen to just to remember you. Some of them are from years ago. Remember Soy Yo from the Sing 2 movie? You went through about a month or two in Virginia listening to that song when you slept. You’d turn it on when it was time for bed, put it on repeat, and that’s all that would play for the next nine hours. My memories of you going to bed in Virginia largely are about that. Then in Virginia, you had red and green Christmas lights on your tree in your room that we kept up till we moved in May. You didn’t want green and red lit though, that was too bright. We tried just the red lights, but you thought it looked too creepy, so you finally settled on just the green ones.

No parent should have to lose their child. It’s unexplainable and just torture. I understand that the amount of grief I had for you is just because of how much I love you, but it is still hard to comprehend. Where could we have questioned things more? Even if we would have pushed our questions years ago would it have made a difference in the end? You can’t help but to think of that when it might have meant you would still be here with us. I’m too sad and angry today to write much else, I’m sorry. Just know that I loved when you wore my shirt circa 2006. I had to go back and find a picture to compare. I thought it was funny that you fit into the shirt that I wore at twenty years old when you were only eight. That says I wore small shirts and you were so big at just eight years old. I love you more than anything, baby. Please please please visit.