Isaiah baby,

Today was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. I didn’t even do anything physical like run either, today just took a toll on me. I hope you were able to stop by and see everyone. I tried my best, but had a ton of help from Delilah and Miss Madison. I was worried this morning that if this wasn’t perfect, it meant I didn’t love you enough. Mainly, I wanted your name on your picture board to be written in the same font as Lego. I tried to print it out, but it was way too small. Then I just left it blank and figured I would do something else at some point. I wrote your name on there about a half hour before everyone came. It looked like a small child wrote it, hardly what I had envisioned. I also just got a brand new box of 15 sharpies. I wanted to write your name in red since that’s your favorite color. There was no red in that box. I’m sorry about that, but I know you wouldn’t care. I also walked around this morning saying out loud “what the f!!! am I doing?!” I can’t believe I’m running around and gathering your favorite books, extra pictures, and drawings that you have made to bring to an event we are having because you are no longer with us. I can’t even get myself to type the “d” word for that sentence. I just thought you deserved the event because you deserve to be celebrated.

I got to meet your best-friends and their moms. Honestly, I wish I would have met them a while ago. They all seem like pretty great people. The mom’s talked so highly of you and the friendships you had with their kids. I had people write down or draw a memory they had with you and leave it for us to read. There’s so many great things in there that talk about what kind of amazing human you were. I’m going to put them in a book so we can have them to look back on whenever we want. It’s pretty cool that I get to know you in ways that I would usually not. I put off talking to Mrs. Holmes. I knew talking to her would immediately cause me to lose it so I tried to push it off a little while. When I finally did, I immediately broke down. I told her how you were scared of her before you started school because you were told she was mean, strict, and yelled a lot. She laughed. I thanked her for being such a good teacher. I thanked her for loving you while you were in her classroom just as she would her own kids. I told her I felt a little better knowing the last few months when you were away from me more that you were surrounded by such supportive and loving people. I also told her how much she meant to you. I told her about how you put her as the one thing you wish you could keep from second grade. You and I were both so lucky you got her as your teacher. Also, want to know something crazy? Her husband was your soccer coach when you were on the team with Ellie and you played with her son on that team. That would have blown your mind. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything at your celebration. I thought about it, but it would have just turned into people not being able to understand me anyway with all the crying. It’s okay, everyone was just there and that was good for everyone. I hope you took note of all the red shirts and Minecraft shirts! Some people bought them just for your celebration. Miss Clarissa, Mr. Matt, Noah, and KK even made their own shirts with Minecraft on the front and a picture of you on the back! Baby, you would have had so much fun today.

With everything going on, daddy and I dropped the ball on your brother’s birthday tomorrow. He’s young so hopefully he doesn’t notice little things. We hid his gifts though, he wanted all his hidden just like you. Another thing I will miss is you waking Elijah up super early in the morning so he can start his birthday. Since it’s a birthday and you guys can get up whenever, you were always sure to wake everyone up the second your eyes opened. Didn’t matter if it was your birthday, someone else’s birthday, Christmas, or even Valentine’s Day. Was it last Christmas you and Lucas woke up at like 2am Christmas morning and went and scoped all the present out before going back to sleep?

I have so much to say to you, but my brain is not working. I can’t seem to put full thoughts together and I’m just exhausted. I hope you enjoyed your celebration, I hope you were able to stop by. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight, sweetie. We love you so much, goodnight.