Baby boy,

Everything is different now. I just feel like I can’t ever catch my breath and I am always about a second away from completely breaking down.

We tried our best with Elijah’s birthday today. We ran out and got the gifts last night, got a random cake at the commissary today, and got what he wanted for dinner. He wanted to go to Keiki Kingdom. However, I had to lie and tell him their power went out today. It’s Hawaii, so it’s completely believable. Daddy and I just couldn’t handle the flood of memories that comes with Keiki Kingdom. So instead, we went to Kid City in Kapolei. Since you never went to that one, I figured it would be okay. I was wrong. The second we walked in there I just scanned the room at the different things and all I kept telling myself was “Isaiah would have loved this place”. During our time there, I found myself wondering where you were. My brain is so used to tracking all four of you so when I had three in front of me in the chaos, my brain just switched to “okay, where is Isaiah now”. This happened quite a few times. Then I was sitting down with my back turned to a kid and I heard “hey daddy”..I turned around because I thought it was you wanting dad to see what you were doing. Ellie was afraid to do one of the things. She eventually did it, but it would have happened sooner if you were there. You have no fear and then her trying to keep up with you or prove herself means she would have done it right after you.

I wish there was a single way to fix how horrible I feel. Just a thing saying, “if you follow this, you won’t feel this terrible anymore”. I would follow it in a second to not feel this unexplainable pain I have. I just worry that this is how I’m always going to feel for the rest of my life. I will always feel this way because you’re never coming back. The one thing to make this better isn’t possible. How can I move forward and share you and your legacy with the world if I’m in this headspace? You deserve everything. Will I ever figure it out?

I kept forgetting to tell you, but we got other responsible people in the family to start feeding the fish. I know you were the one who always did it and never forgot, but we are trying our best. Unfortunately, Flippy died yesterday and all that’s left is Elijah’s ginormous algae eating fish. I’m sorry baby, but he lived almost a year with us and outlived Ellie and Lucas’ fish. I didn’t want to tell you because it oddly feels like we just lost another part of you.

Baby, please watch over us all. We are really struggling with everything. I’m trying my best and trying hard to help your siblings through this, but daddy and I have no idea what we are doing. We still can’t process what has happened so how are we supposed to help your siblings navigate it. Lucas and Elijah still have their partners in crime, but Ellie has lost hers. I know you guys would have random arguments all the time at home, but you know you loved each other. According to Mrs. Holmes, you got so excited to see Ellie at school and she always came home telling me right away when she saw you. She misses you terribly and even misses how you would bug her to the best of your ability. I must admit, you were a master at it. Please please please..send us a sign or visit. I feel like we are all barely holding on.