Hi baby,
Ellie had what sounded like an amazing dream with you last night. Sherilyn said you came and woke her up to play Rocket League and Minecraft, then you built with Legos, then made pancakes, and had to go. She said you told her you missed us, but you really liked where you were. She said you also went into your room to look at your Lego builds. She said at the end you hugged her, kissed her, and said you loved her, but you had to get back up there to practice soccer. Was it really you visiting her? Was it just Ellie’s unconscious mind? Was it actually something Ellie just wished happened? I have no idea, but I can tell you that I held on to that thought the entire day. I held so tightly to the idea that you missed us, but were happy. Daddy and I both said that Ellie needed you the most, so thank you for that.
Your urn came today, so that means we are coming to get you tomorrow to bring back home. I know it sounds weird, but I’m excited to have you back with us. I also have my necklace so I can have you with me at all times.
You’d be so proud of Elijah! He built one of his Lego sets yesterday. Sure the fish was missing a random Lego here and there, but he did it on his own! He then took it apart to build something else, just like you. He even used his birthday money to go buy a Lego set and he said he’s going to try and be a “Lego master”, just like you. I’m sure you would have been right there to help him if he needed it. I can also hear you telling him “good job, eli”.
I figured out today that I really need to start putting my energy into doing something for you. Simple things like going to clean up beaches or even volunteering at the animal shelter would be something you’d like. I just don’t feel like that’s what I need. I mean, I can still do that, but I want my energy of missing you to go towards doing something positive for other people. Then when I think of you I can think towards who and what you may be helping. Right now when I think about you, I start at the happy memories. However, that quickly goes downhill and turns into the things you’ll miss and the future without you. Then that’ll change to me pulling you out of the ocean and how that looked. I want it to stay on happier memories. Maybe that’ll help? I can’t figure out what to do yet. I’m still in the “brainstorming while simultaneously getting nothing accomplished”. My brain no longer works correctly, it’s a blank space that’s oddly mush at the same time.
Elijah wants to say “hi Isaiah, it’s me Elijah. I don’t know if you remember me, I’m five years old now. I know you might be sad or are you mad? Or happy?” He’s so young and trying to process this whole thing is extremely difficult.
We love you and miss you so much baby. Keep watching over us and visiting. I need to know you’re okay. I need you to know how much I love you. I need you to know how sorry I am that I couldn’t save you from this. I tried my best every single day, but some days I struggled. The last six months were a huge struggle for me personally, but you were always there to cheer me up, make me laugh, or feel loved. Thank you, baby. I love you.