Hi my Isaiah,
Lucas just got upset with me and said I need to refer to you as “our Isaiah”. He’s right, I’m sorry. You are our Isaiah.
We brought you back home today. You’re back with us where you belong. It’s a lot to take in. I’m now wearing a necklace with the ashes of my eight year old in it. Can you believe that? I find myself clutching the necklace a lot just holding on to you. When we went to the funeral home to pick you up, they gave us your the bracelet you had on from one of our favorite nurses. They asked if we wanted it back, I said “yes” right away and put on the Hearts for CeCe bracelet. However, I needed to share it with daddy because I am wearing your bracelet from Mrs. Holmes. So daddy has it on now. We put your urn downstairs in the dining room/living room since we are down there the most. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the urn moved around because I know the boys want you in their room when they go to sleep. I will hang my necklace on your picture, right beside my bed.
I have felt numb all day. I can’t feel happiness, there’s no sadness, nothing..I am just there. I had to look up the stages of grief and what it can entail to see if this was “normal”. However, the feelings all came when I sat down to write this to you. It helps me feel closer to you. Buddy, what I wouldn’t give to have one more hour with you. To hear you tell me you love me. To see your face when we look at you because one of your younger brothers are crying. You were always just trying to play and not realizing that you had 40-50 pounds on them. That face though, with the big eyes, I miss it. I miss you. People keep asking me what I need and I honestly have no answers. I don’t know what I need. I don’t think there’s anything anyone could give me that would get me out of this place. I told my therapist yesterday that I’m only 38, who knows how long I will live for. However, I can’t imagine living another 50ish years feeling like this.
I’ve lost family members before. They never even came close to hitting like this has. I always knew they knew I loved them. The last time I went to visit my Uncle Jim before he passed away, something stopped me as I was walking out of his hospital room. I turned back around, gave him one more kiss, and made sure I told him “I love you” one more time. I didn’t know he was going to pass away. He seemed like he was okay at the hospital. A few days later though, I got the call at like 10pm while I was working at the track camp. The comfort I got from that one last “I love you” really helped. My family has all passed away when they were older too. They had lived a decently long life and had a lot of experiences. I didn’t get that last “I love you” to you. I didn’t make a mental note of it. I was never expecting to lose you. Even when I pulled you out of the ocean and they started CPR, it was like “this can’t be happening. He will be okay. Things like this can’t happen, it’s not possible. Everything will be fine”. I was wrong though. A parent never expects their child to go before they do. That’s not the way life is supposed to work. You had such a future ahead of you. You were such a kind and loving soul. You made the world a little brighter.
I used to be annoyed when you guys took my phone all the time, but now I’m thankful. Going back and looking through videos of you makes me smile. This one of you sneaking and recording yourself from under the table is amazing. It shows your personality and “our Isaiah” perfectly. We love and miss you so much, baby. I want you back. I want nothing more in life than to have you back.