Hello my birthday boy,

I can’t believe you’d be nine today. Every year on your birthdays I think “oh my gosh, they’re so old now”. It started happening when you guys even turned a year old, so it’s just a parent thing I think.

Lucas and Elijah woke up at 6am today trying to get up and find your gift. I couldn’t do it though. I couldn’t get myself out of bed that early knowing we have to spend your birthday without you. We compromised and I told them they could get up at 6:30am. I got up and just kind of sat down on the couch. Ellie and daddy got up a few minutes later. It took a few minutes for them to find the gift. Daddy wrapped the best gift of his life. Ellie gave up looking? I’m not sure what she was doing, but she was on the couch while the boys found the gift under the chair in the front room. They opened it and acted surprised even though they knew what it was. When I first had the idea of building a Lego set for your birthday, I figured it would hold your siblings attention for a little and then daddy and I would have to finish it. I was super focused this morning on needing to finish it. I think that’s where all my emotions were going this morning, hyper fixated on the Lego set and needing to finish it for you. To my surprise, Ellie, Lucas, and Elijah helped build the entire thing. The first two bags they worked together on. After that, they each branched off and did their own. I was able to build the front door and the entry way myself, but Elijah did not want any help. He did the whole kitchen himself. Ellie built three rooms, daddy built Abuela’s room and then helped Lucas finish Antonio’s room. Lucas gets too excited and just skips steps completely sometimes. Daddy needed to go back and figure out what he missed. We finished it though! We finished it first thing this morning, too. In typical “Isaiah” fashion, we didn’t eat or do anything before we finished building. It doesn’t matter if you’re hungry..the legos must be built first! I hope we made you proud. Oh, and there were fourteen bags in the set. I know how you always assess and judge the set you are doing based off the number of bags in the box.

I also got a message this morning that Collin and Conner’s mom. She made some Ti leaf leis and put them out on your bike. They’re a Hawaiian symbol of good luck and protection from evil spirits. I cried. As soon as I read it, I cried. Random things like that to help celebrate you and remember you by other people just break me. I left them on “your” bike (I won’t let Ellie see that I called it that). I’m going to take one up to Kolekole tomorrow and leave it at your “secret spot”. Maybe I will hang it on a tree branch? Then I can think of you even more when I go up there. I’m also going to put one in the van. I doubt I will be able to take them all off the bike. I doubt that I’m ever going to be able to get rid of that bike. Miss Madison also dropped off a little plaque thing and there’s a table with red legos on it and a soccer ball by the chair. The fact that people still go out of their way to remember you is amazing. It makes me feel even closer to you when randomly someone sends me a picture, or a text, or anything else involving you or grieving you. You mattered to so many.

We took everyone to get Dunkin Doughnuts after we were done building for breakfast/lunch at that point. I took the usual picture I take of everyone eating a doughnut on someone’s birthday. I don’t know why that started. I think because I would take a picture of the “birthday person” and I couldn’t leave the other kid/kids out, so they each needed a picture. Do you remember last year’s birthday? We had pizza for breakfast, frozen pizzas from the commissary. You spent most of your day building all your Lego sets, we took a break to go to the pool, and then we went to the library to build even more legos at the Block Party. We got pizza tonight, Papa John’s stuffed crust.

Before your birthday, I always planned on singing Happy Birthday to you with your cake. When it came to that time, I didn’t want to sing anymore. I’m not happy. This event absolutely sucks. I can’t pretend. It was like another kick in the gut. We did it though. We sang, your siblings fought over who blew out the candle, so then I had to go back and relight it for each of them to blow out on their own. We cut the first piece for you, they thought you’d want the piece with your name on it. So we gave you that piece and took the little surf board and palm tree off the cake and put it on your piece.

Isaiah, I don’t know why the f this all happened. It’s so unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but I’ve never seen it be so unfair so up close and personally. The boys both say they wish it would have been them. Why would the strongest kid in the family pass away? I will be honest. There are times when I want to die to just be with you. I could never do that to your siblings though. They’ve already lost you, I could never put them through more pain because the pain of missing you got to me. It still doesn’t seem like reality that I will never see you again. Is every birthday going to be this painful? I just want you back. I would give anything to just have you back. I don’t know why I still wish and bargain, it won’t change anything. It’s still just too much.

Grandpop sent me a video from a play place in Virginia they took you too. It was a place filled with a bunch of bouncy houses. In the video, you guys were climbing up the ladder to go down the slide. Ellie went up and down exactly like you’re supposed to. Lucas did the same thing. Not you though. Nope, you climbed halfway up, climbed over the side, and just jumped. So typical of you and not at all surprising.

I was hoping for some crazy sign from you today. Especially when I was in your room. I wanted something to just fall. A balloon fell down while we were sitting downstairs, but I know it just fell.

We went to Target today and I wanted to do our act of kindness in honor of your birthday. We bought a bunch of food, snacks, and water and brought them to a random person sleeping on the street in Wahiawa. I told her “I lost my son last month and today is his birthday. He was so kind so I want to give you this in memory of him”. I know a lot of people were going to be doing acts of kindness around the country in honor of you. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

Isaiah, I love you dearly and miss you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I didn’t know that this feeling of just longing for someone could get to intense. Although I didn’t have a plan for you when you got older, I was excited to see how you were growing and learning. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never see that.

In short, today sucked. Today hurt. Today flipping made me wish you were here even more than before. I always think I couldn’t miss you any more than I already do, then the pain just takes over.

Isaiah, you are my world. You are an amazing son and I cannot wait till you and I see each other again. Please continue to watch over your siblings. I. Love. You. More. Than. Anything. Happy 9th birthday my baby. I love you so incredibly much.