Hi my baby,

Tomorrow is the big day! The last day of the single digits! I just wish you were here for it. I got the decorations all put up, I used green streamers for Minecraft. Also, I put all the balloons up tonight, so if they’re on the floor tomorrow morning I apologize. I don’t know why they don’t ever stay up anymore.

I decided I’m going to wrap the Encanto Lego set that we got for this birthday. I bought pizza wrapping paper because I don’t think there is a more appropriate wrapping paper for you. I’m also going to hide it. I told your sister and brothers already. I also said since it’s your birthday, I’m going to make it difficult to find because that’s what you always enjoyed. Maybe they’ll find it or maybe they’ll have to record a video saying I’m the “best hider” like you did last year. Ellie, Lucas, and Elijah also picked out a card for you. They were so excited there were so many cards with a number nine on them. I’m going to do the best I can with the cake, but I made sure I got a number nine candle! Ellie thought it was weird we were buying a candle. However, I still want to sing Happy Birthday to you, they can blow out the candles. I will just picture you sitting there in front of your cake with a huge smile on your face. I can also picture you not making eye contact with anyone because a bunch of people singing and staring at you is just awkward.

I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go. I’ve been dreading this day since we were still in the hospital. I don’t want to celebrate without you. There’s nothing to celebrate tomorrow, it’s your birthday and you’re not here. I thought I was surprisingly okay earlier today. Although, I had to listen to late 90’s R&B and have a dance party with myself while putting up your decorations. That helped me just “get through it”. Your siblings keep asking what we are doing, but there’s no plan. I don’t know if we will be up to going to get doughnuts tomorrow morning. I doubt we will have it in us to go to Keiki Kingdom, because that’s probably where you would have picked. We have a Lego set to do, that’s all I know.

Someone I coached sent me a video of a lady visiting my her child’s grave on their birthday. There was a little thing spinning and stopping, then changing directions. It’s like her child was there with her. I hope you’re here tomorrow. I hope you’re here every day.

I don’t want tomorrow to come. Good night my sweet boy, last time going to bed as an eight year old. I love you more than anything.