Isaiah,

Hi baby. Today I’ve just felt off. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I guess I’m not supposed to.

We went to the memorial tree lighting tonight. I read your name, we put your ornament on the tree, then we sat back down. Ellie didn’t get to meet with Miss Ruby today to make your ornament, so we chose one we had. I asked your siblings to choose between the pizza one and the one with your baby stuff in it. The pizza ornament was the chosen one. Jerica, who we ran with in college, and her family sent us a Christmas ornament for you. It’s the perfect ornament for you. Then we heard from another grieving parent and the chaplain of the hospital. The wonderful part of being here in Hawaii is that we got to watch two hula dances during the ceremony and the closing song was sung with a ukulele. I really feel lucky to be here.

Elijah and Lucas are currently arguing in the van over a blanket. We still haven’t gotten the air conditioning fixed so the windows are open while we are going down the highway. In their defense, it’s 73 degrees at night. We’ve all become extremely soft since living here.

I was looking no at pictures to reminisce, but it’s too hard. You and your big cheeks were so adorable. You were such an amazing brother. Your siblings talk about you like a thousand times a day. Last night before bed Lucas asked if I would be mad at him for saying something. When I told him no, he said “I wish I died instead of Isaiah”. I told him I completely understood. It seems easier to just think if it happened to us and we weren’t dealing with this loss day to day.

Isaiah, I cannot put into words how much I miss you and how amazing you were. I’m so grateful I was chosen to be your mom. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.