Hi baby boy,

I saw you again today. Your brothers wanted to go to the Lego block party at the library today. This was our first time there since before you passed. We started going every month because of you. Your brothers happily made their creations while I sat there and silently cried at the table.

I could just see you moving around the room. There were times when you went in knowing exactly what you wanted to build. Then there were times when you were sitting at the table and building and I’d ask you what you were making and you would tell me you didn’t know yet. Most times you built yourself, but one or two times you got together with another kid or two to build. You’d walk around and talk to other kids if you were impressed by their build. Kids would come over and admire what you built. We were always there the entire two hours. Your siblings would be over it, but we couldn’t leave because you were still finishing up your build. I was always the “Lego getter” and had to find certain pieces for you guys or get certain colors for you so you could actually finish in time. A few days later, we would have to go to the library to see your build and all the other ones displayed. There were times when we missed the block party, but you’d still be in the library admiring everyone’s work. I missed watching your excitement and your imagination at work. I just kept looking at the different chairs and telling myself that “Isaiah sat right there”.

I’m not sure if it’s the holidays, but your siblings are all really starting to struggle with your loss. They’ve always been struggling, but now it’s coming out with a lot more emotion. After we got home from the memorial tree lighting last night, Lucas just couldn’t calm down and was crying and screaming about missing you. Elijah went into his helper mode and tried to do whatever he could. He brought Lucas the Isaiah blanket and then the book I made them, but Lucas didn’t want any part of it. Elijah started crying and losing it saying that he tries so hard to make everyone feel better, but he can’t. Once Elijah was done crying, he calmly stood up, then he said “I’m going into my room for a little”. He walked into his room and just started screaming into a pillow. Ellie was holding everything in, so I asked her if she wanted to sit with me and talk. She started crying right away. She said she misses you so much, but also regrets not giving you a kiss that morning. Then she said that she didn’t say “I love you enough”. I told her that you knew how much she loved you. You guys wouldn’t have had the kind of relationship you had if you didn’t love each other.

It’s difficult trying to navigate all my own emotions while also trying to handle your siblings. Sometimes I can’t process how I feel because their world is burning down around them. I’m trying my best.

We went to Kids Hurt Too tonight. I was so thankful it was this week since it’s been so rough. I thanked the guy who started the program before we left. We’ve been going for six months, but I’ve never been able to tell him the positive impact they’ve had with your siblings. He’s always with the kids when we have it, while the adults are with someone else. I just told him how incredibly thankful I am for them and everything they do. I told him how your siblings absolutely love going there and how it’s helped them be around other kids who’ve lost someone.

I picture your face and just can’t believe that’s all I have of you now. It’s still difficult to comprehend that you’re gone. It’s been over six months, I know you’re gone, but it’s just the thinking of “how the heck did this happen?”.

I had a dream about you last night. You weren’t in it, but I was packing up the house and deciding which of your toys to keep. At one point I looked under a bed and saw that car carrier we used to have. You know, the one that folded out and then the cars could go through it. There it was in my dream, exact colors and all. For the record, I’m taking all your stuff.

Baby boy, I wish life didn’t turn out this way. I love you more than anything. Goodnight and sweet dreams.