Isaiah,

I’m feeling the loss of you in my entire body. It feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach, someone is sitting on my chest, and my brain has turned to mush. I never knew I could feel this much pain before that nobody can even see. I honestly can’t find the motivation to complete anything. I’ve almost unpacked the house at this point, but not completely. It feels more like our home again, even if the kitchen is white now instead of blue. I’m wondering how long this physical agony will go on. I feel like I can’t catch my breath and simultaneously let out huge sighs because I can’t just scream in public.

I miss you. I’m in your room right now, just looking at your drawings on the wall and all your Lego creations. There’s the bin of car tracks that you built. There’s a pile of Nerf guns by your door. You had so many, but preferred that little one that only held one thing. You claimed it was more accurate than your other ones. However, you tried to show me how “accurate” it was before and completely missed. There’s random Christmas stickers on the wall, doors, and your dresser because why not?

I’m completely lost right now, buddy. If you would have asked me four weeks ago about the future, I thought it would look completely different than it did at the time. We would be on the mainland in our amazing house with the sunroom and enjoying summer break. I was excited for that different. I was looking forward to it. I had a plan. Well my plan got annihilated. Now I’m left with all the “what ifs”. What if you hadn’t lost consciousness at the beach in the water? Would you have had a better chance on land? What if there was something that we managed to miss with your health the last eight years? You had all your checkups and everything, but what if there was something? What if I would have went over to you when I thought you were mad at me, would I have figured out something else was going on? Could I have stopped it? I know it’s a part of the grieving process, but right now these “what ifs” make me think I could have somehow prevented this. I could have somehow saved you from what happened. I’m sorry, I feel like I failed you. It was my job to protect and take care of you and I was unable to do it.

I feel like I’m in a dark hole now that I will never be able to climb out of. I would give anything to have you back. I would give anything to just get one of your huge hugs. I would play Minecraft and/or Rocket League all day with you even though they both make no sense and I lack any skill to play those games. I want to see you running around on the soccer field. I want to see you eloquently gliding through the water at the pool. I want to tell you either your shirt or shorts are on backwards every single day. Let’s be honest, you did that a lot. Elijah does it too. Just like you, he doesn’t change it to the correct way even if you tell him. Backwards shirt all day around everyone? Sure!

I got the necklace I ordered today. It has your name engraved on it and I will put your ashes in it when we pick you up on Monday. This way, you will physically by close to me every day. Maybe with it I can feel like you’re around more? Right now all I feel is the complete absence of you. I love you more than anything, buddy. You’re literally part of me. Please keep watch over us.