My Isaiah Joseph,

My Isaiah Joseph,

Hi baby. I miss you. I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I don’t think I have yet? If I have, you get to hear it again. I’ve been snuggling with your squishmallow you used as a pillow every night. Thanks to Bella and the two holes she put in it, there’s constantly fluff all over my room. Whenever I used to walk past your room I always thought it was crazy how much stuffing you had everywhere. I get it now. I really need to just sew the two holes together because at the rate I’m going, there won’t be much fluff left in a few months.

I worked on Ellie’s photo book today. I went through a few thousand I had on my phone and got them uploaded. I actually loved going through all the pictures. I can remember some of the times so vividly. I got to see a lot of pictures I probably haven’t seen since I took them. I was just smiling remembering all the memories. I got Ellie’s book finished, but I may add a few more pages. I made sure to add a lot of pictures where you guys are just acting crazy. I forgot I used to let you guys give yourself “tattoos” with washable marker. I have a beautiful picture of you and Ellie with just green marker all over your faces.

I was fine making the book, but as soon as I finished it I got upset. It’s like everything else now. Once it’s done, it’s done. There’s no books I can make a year from now with new and more recent pictures. It’s the pain that comes with it being “the end” of something with you.

At Kids Hurt Too, someone was talking about how although it’s the end of my physical relationship with you, but now I have a different relationship with you. Maybe it’s too soon. I don’t feel connected to you. All I feel is the longing to have you still here with me. I want to feel connected to you. I want to feel like you’re still with me all the time. I want to feel like I can just take a deep breath.

Speaking of my longing for some sort of connection with you, my birthday is in two more wake-ups. I’m begging you, a dream, a random sign, or anything. I want nothing more for my birthday than to just know you’re still somehow here with me.

I’m getting upset again so I’m just going to get going to bed. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.