My baby boy,

My baby boy,

We had a birthday party today, it was a pool party. I still think it’s crazy to go to a pool party in November. It was a beautiful day, though. You want to know what it didn’t have? There were no handstand competitions in the pool. You always had the upper hand on Ellie because you didn’t need to hold your nose and she always did. You always had more stability and could usually get your legs up and together before Ellie would tip over. Ellie did have a small jumping competition with Lucas. It wasn’t nearly as long or in-depth as the ones with you, but it was bittersweet to watch. As much as it hurts because it makes me miss you more, I get to see your siblings continue to remember you and have fun.

Remember how I decided to run a marathon because it couldn’t be harder than going through losing you? I’m still running it, but that’s thought process was just stupid and I didn’t realize till my run today. While I was running and feeling bad during it, I thought back to that original thought. Obviously it wouldn’t be that hard in comparison. Obviously I didn’t need to “prove” anything to myself. So I decided since it’s not as hard, I could do it..completely ignoring the fact that I have to train while navigating the grief of your loss. I’m still going to run the marathon next month, but I think I’m giving myself a little more grace with it now. I have nothing to prove and thinking I needed to do that for myself was stupid. Look at me, still learning at three days shy of thirty-nine.

I got a text from the Queepsake app that I used to have when you and Ellie were younger. A few times a week the app would send me a question to answer about one of you and then it kept record of my responses. I haven’t been on that app since I last used it in 2017. Ellie obviously has more than you, I’m sorry. It’s the first born thing. Life was a little less hectic. They always make the joke about baby books and how the first kid has an amazing one, the second kid’s is half filled out, and the third and on don’t have one. Jokes on them, because Ellie was the only one that had a book and that was barely filled out. You and your brothers didn’t even get a book that I would pretend I was going to write in. I’m sorry. I’ve pretty much been in survival mode since having kids.

I read through the entries I did actually do for you and I’m so damn happy that I did it the few times I did. I completely forgot that I sang Goodnight Sweetheart to you every night before I put you in your crib. Reading that absolutely melted my heart. I’m not sure when I stopped doing that, but you used to sing it with me. I was still doing it even when you were out of the crib and in your bed. Pap used to sing that to us when we were younger and somehow that became my thing with you. I will let you see some of the entries the next few days.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.