My Isaiah Joseph,

My Isaiah Joseph,

Today was my birthday. Today was the day I was sure I would have a dream of you or get a sign from you. I didn’t see any sign though. Plus, my dream last night didn’t include you at all. That’s all I wanted for my birthday. I just wanted solid proof that my baby is still with me. I’m starting to go down the negative spiral regarding that, it’s hard not to. There’s way too much at stake.

You were included in the gifts I got though. I got a Grinch mug, Grinch socks, and a Grinch hat. You were always picking out Christmas things for my birthday because you would always tell me, “I picked it because I know you love Christmas”. Last year it was the spinning snowman, a few years before that you bought me an outdoor Christmas rug from the “world’s largest souvenir shop” (I don’t even know if that was true or they just claimed it since they were in the middle of nowhere in Missouri).

We went to Aweoweo. Your siblings played on the swings for a little before we went to the beach. Ellie was pushing the empty swing and said she was pushing you. We all laughed and said if you were on the swing you’d be going as high as possible and then just jumping off as always.

The waves were a little bigger since it’s “winter” now on the North Shore. They had fun though. I just kept picturing you there with us and what you’d be doing.

I found the video last night from the day you were playing “Lieutenant Board” at the beach. I thought it was so funny because you honestly just played by yourself for a solid fifteen minutes with that game or whatever it was. All your siblings were out of the ocean, you can even hear Elijah on the video asking to leave. All the while you were just in “battle” with the Lieutenant. I think he was on your side and the waves were part of the “water war”. Even just typing this is making me smile. I’m thankful for that memory.

You can still visit me in my dreams tonight. If not, I know you were still watching over me and sent me a “Happy Birthday, I love you”. I love you more than anything, my baby. My life is forever changed since losing you. I’m trying my best, but sometimes my best comes up really short. Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby.