Hi my baby,

Hi my baby,

I miss you and thought you should know.

You wouldn’t believe the thing I bought at Target today. I saw it in the Bullseye Playground part I always love looking at. They had a little stuffed potato and it plays music so you can play “hot potato” with it. I had to get it. You guys always played hot potato, but it was ridiculous because you guys did the little song yourself. Then when you got to the end you’d purposely lengthen the song until you each got rid of it. Sometimes you guys would just throw whatever it was across the room. We played it before dinner. It got very loud, but Ellie ended up winning. She was trying to get me for having it a few times, but I definitely didn’t. She won though, fair and square. You would have loved it.

We are listening to Amazon story time tonight because it’s Elijah’s turn. We just heard Dentist Panic, but now Dancing Queen is on. I think I’ve only heard this story once, but it was one I actually enjoyed. For the good of the hive! I know, you were over Amazon story time, but these were both stories that were always talked about in our house.

Your brothers are convinced that since you’ve passed away, I make them bathe more. It’s no different. Maybe they just get confused because I have to directly tell them to take a bath? Before they just did and I was always battling you to bathe. Anyway, they think they’ve cheated the system. Each day, Lucas asks Elijah if he wants to take a bath so they don’t have to take one the next day. They do this every day. So they bathe each day in order to not take a bath the next day. You’d laugh at that, I know you would. Maybe you’d try to explain to them how their plan doesn’t make sense, but they wouldn’t listen. I just let them go on thinking that they’ve solved the problem of me forcing them to clean their bodies.

I talked to Miss Ashly today. Remember her from Virginia? Ben’s mom? I was always sad she was only our neighbor for like four and a half months. On your birthday, they cleaned up a park by their house to do an act of kindness. It’s those little things that I love. Miss Ashly also told me that she heard a lot of times that parents are the last ones to dream of their kids, they want it too much. That would make sense. I’ve only had that one dream of you and daddy hasn’t had any.

My mind sometimes starts to spiral down to the “what if’s”. It did that today. I was just sitting on the chair in the front room trying to force myself to finish putting up the Christmas decorations, but then my mind went to you. I wondered if I would have noticed that you weren’t mad at me, that I noticed that your lack of interaction was something else going on. I could have run up to you and dragged you to the sand before you collapsed. Maybe I could have looked into your open eyes and told you how much I love you while I still could. I tell myself that telling you like that would have made me feel better, but it probably wouldn’t. You’d still be gone and I would have come up with the idea that you weren’t even aware I was talking to you.

The four of you are my reason for being on this Earth. I just wish that loving you was enough to keep you safe. I’m sorry.

I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight at sweet dreams.