Hi baby,
Hi baby,
I wanted to throw up the white flag today. I don’t know why, it’s just the constant sadness. Today it’s a lot of feeling like a failure as a mother. No actual reason why. That’s just how today has been.
Today was my day to volunteer at Elijah’s Pre-K. It was three hours of cutting out turkeys and taking the paper off broken crayons to make other crayons. However, before we left for Pre-K, Elijah was just standing by your urn and staring at the pictures, not saying anything. I told his teachers what he was doing and to let me know if they saw anything else during his day. I talked to his teachers at recess and he seemed like he was having a good day. However, his teacher told me something that happened last week. She said he was playing with her in dramatic play and he was telling her about how they made a Christmas list at Kids Hurt Too. Then he got onto the fact that you couldn’t make one and how he missed you. His teacher told him he can talk to them about it, but he can also talk to daddy and I. He apparently told her that he can’t talk to us.
I talk about you every day and I cry about you openly every single day. However, I feel like Elijah is taking on way too much responsibility as a five year old. I’ve talked to his therapist about how he feels the need to make everyone feel better. Maybe that’s why he won’t talk to us about it? He doesn’t want to “make us upset”? I tried talking to him about it tonight and told him, “you know you can always talk to me about Isaiah. I talk about him all the time. If you talk about him and I start to cry, you didn’t make me cry. I just cry because I miss him”. All he told me was that he was scared and then essentially refused to acknowledge that I was talking to him. You know, the typical thing you guys do when I try to have any sort of discussion with any of you about a more serious subject.
Even if there was a manual on parenting, there would have to be a manual for each individual child. I will do some more research tomorrow. I will reach out to some people who’ve been through it and see what they say. Until then, baby, I promise I’m going to do my best. I love you more than anything. Goodnight and sweet dreams.