My Isaiah Joseph,

My Isaiah Joseph,

It’s crazy the things that can just upend my day. Luckily today, it didn’t happen until about 6:45pm so most of my day’s responsibilities were over. Elijah has been bothering me over and over to be an “ultimate member” in Prodigy. He made a good point, telling me that Lucas got to “level up” so it’s only fair. I got onto my account to upgrade his math membership. While I was under my account, I did what I’ve known I’ve had to do for months, which was to cancel your membership. I’ve cancelled Ellie’s before and it was no big deal. She didn’t use it at all anymore so that was it. Yours was different. Even though Ellie will probably never have a Prodigy membership again in her life, she could still have one if she wanted it. Cancelling your membership signified “an end”. It’s like closing another door that will never be opened again. It seems so trivial and insignificant. We have paid $100 on your membership since everything happened, I should have done it a while ago. Yet here I am, crying in my bed because I had to cancel your membership. When I was on your account, it said you hadn’t played in 152 days. That stung. It’s just another reminder. I went back and checked and you left us 149 days ago. Just being face to face with those numbers is upsetting.

I don’t understand why the heck this has to be my life. Why is part of my story losing a child? It’s like I’m still looking for meaning in everything that happened, but there is no “meaning”.

Lucas played Sum Swamp with you today. He brought your urn over and played your turns too. You won both games and are still kicking butt from the other side. I played Lucas today and Elijah and Lucas yesterday. It should come to no surprise to you that I lost. I swear, I never win that game. Not only do I lose, but a lot of the time it’s like I didn’t even have a fighting chance. Whoever I’m playing is always right at the end and I’m not even close to the “endless loop” yet. Oh well, congratulations on your wins.

I love when I catch your siblings taking a second to remember you, talk to you, or include you. I got to witness all three today. Ellie was the first one, this morning. We were getting ready to go to school drop-off and I was in my room. She walked out of my room, stopped by your room, talked to you, and then continued on. I don’t know what she said and it was really quick, but I love how she’s still finding connections with you. Ashley I told you before, Lucas played you in sum swamp this afternoon. Then while I was in the kitchen making dinner, I glanced over to see Elijah standing over by your urn and just staring at your pictures. It’s those little moments that make me smile because I can see your siblings working through this whole mess.

It was pouring this morning. You most likely would have ignored me when I told you I would drive you to school instead of letting you ride your bike and gotten soaked. You wouldn’t have cared though. I also want to let you know that it rained so heavily that the ditch filled up. You would have been super bummed when you got home though because by that time all the water was gone and it was clear.

I’m sorry I had to cancel your membership. In a few months, maybe I will log on to my parent account to actually look in depth into what you were doing. All I know is you were three grades above your grade level.

Isaiah, I wonder every single day why you had to be taken away from me. You deserved to still be here more than me. I got more time and have managed to make countless mistakes that I regret. You didn’t even get to have those mistakes. The only regret you had was allowing me to buzz your hair off during Covid lockdown.

I love you so much, my baby. Please keep watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.