Hi my baby,

Hi my baby,

I decided something today. On the next weekday that daddy has off, I’m going back to Ko Olina. I don’t want to go on the weekend and have more people there than I want. I also know your siblings will be taken care of if doing this wrecks my day. It’s going to. I think I’m finally ready to go back and “relive” everything that happened that day. I’m ready to sit on that beach and replay every single second of that horrible day. I’m going to write it all down, then sit there and continue to read it over and over again. The one therapist who I switched from said I needed to do this. Although I didn’t like him, when my other therapist told me the other day that I couldn’t shut the thoughts out and I had to sit in them, I wondered if he at least was correct with that. I think it might be next week, but I have to talk to daddy and see what his schedule is.

I know Halloween hasn’t come yet, but it’s close enough that Christmas has taken over everything at the stores. Sams Club has had their Christmas decorations out for around a month now? I’m not sure. However, the commissary today had all Christmas cookies, cupcakes, and baked goods. That’s how you know it’s coming and starting to take over.

I will be taking down the Halloween decorations on November 1st and putting up Christmas, as usual. It’s going to be extremely hard. You were my one child who absolutely loved decorating for Christmas. Everyone likes decorating the tree, but you helped me with everything Christmas inside and out. I will get to see last year’s birthday gift you gave to me. It’s that snowman who sings and twirls around. You got him for me because you knew how much I loved Christmas. I haven’t given it a ton of thought yet, but I don’t think I will keep the snowman out after Christmas. I have so much from you and I think that added little “bonus” every year when I take the decorations out could help cheer me up. You know what’s funny? Christmas decorations are some of the things that remind me most of family members that have passed and my holidays as a child. I have one of grandma’s gold ornaments, I have grandma’s Christmas houses that used to be under her Christmas tree, I always think of my grandma and the dancing Santa that sang Rockin Around the Christmas Tree, and I have this Santa thing that you turn on and it plays Christmas music. Either my Aunt Bev bought that for Gma or both Gma and my Aunt Bev got it from someone. Every time I unpack that decoration I think of my Aunt Bev.

We got something in the mail yesterday from Legacy of Life, the organ donation organization. We were invited to an event at the end of November called “Hope for the Holidays”. I have no idea what it entails, it doesn’t say. I tried to see if they had anything about it or past ones online, but I didn’t find anything. No matter what, I will take your siblings and go. Any way that I can recognize you for your selfless act and remember you with others, I am going to do.

It’s going to be a rough week, my baby. Please watch over us more this week. I will be carving a pumpkin for you, don’t worry. I love you so much, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.