My Isaiah Joseph,

Hi sweetie. We went to the movies today to see Inside Out 2. We were all just there two and a half weeks ago seeing IF. As a side note, I’m really glad you secretly got your nachos at the theater that day. You saw the posters for both Inside Out 2 and Despicable Me 4 and talked about how excited you were to see them. At the time, I thought we would all be seeing it in Pittsburgh as one of our first outings. Instead, we saw it in Kapolei with the added bonus of Abuela, but the huge missing piece of you. I cried during the commercials before the movie because there was a Lego commercial for space sets. You would have been excited just to see that commercial. Then the movie started and I just started crying. You were supposed to be there with us. That plan was made weeks ago. I feel like you would have really liked it, especially the Pouchy character. I could imagine you reenacting the scene where Anger starts pulling things out of Pouchy while he was on the ground. You would have continued to do it over and over on the way out of the theater and in the van on the way home, just laughing hysterically. I cried throughout the movie again as Reilly was “growing up”, just like in Toy Story 3. I will cry again when we go to see Despicable Me 4 next month.

Everyone is struggling over here. Ellie’s anxiety is at an all time high. She’s afraid to take baths because she is afraid of drowning. The worst though is her having to check on everyone at night because she’s worried they’re not breathing. Lucas asked me just a few minutes ago if you knew he loved you even though he didn’t say it a lot. I ensured him you knew. We are now going to bed with the light on purple because that’s the color you always slept with. Elijah was building legos today because he wanted you to “be proud of him”. Mommy and daddy are a mess. I can’t even really have a discussion with daddy about things. Honestly, I feel like I still can’t even make sense of what’s happened to put into words with him. Daddy says he still doesn’t believe this happened. I can’t describe how I feel. I’m well aware that this is what happened, but can’t comprehend how you’re just suddenly gone? I don’t get to see you anymore? I get it, but I don’t understand it. I’m hoping as I process things this will become a little more clear? Maybe a little easier to find the words for how to talk about it? Only time will tell, but right now it’s rough and unexplainable.

Guess what we got today with the dinner that was dropped off! Daddy’s one coworker made you Lego flowers in a vase! I put the Lego rose that Delilah made for you at the hospital with it. They’re currently on the shelf next to your soccer picture and handprint from the hospital. The amount of support we have gotten during this whole thing is unreal. I never knew it existed. Today we got some ocean stuffed animals because someone donated money to an ocean conservation project. I’m guessing this is because of you and the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, but I have no idea who did it. There was no name. It made me smile so much though when I opened it and saw that even though you’re gone, because of you a great cause benefited. I’m still trying to workshop ideas of what I can do for you. I usually have the “go big or go home” attitude and get so overwhelmed at one point that I just don’t do anything. I’m not going to have that with this. I can’t. You always did simple acts of kindness. I’ve heard about them since you passed, saw them with my own eyes, and got told about them on the daily from various people. It doesn’t need to be this amazing idea that helps millions of people around the world, it can just be simple things that help even just one person a day.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day and daddy is already dreading it. Perhaps I should remind him of some of the things you did for him. Remember when you made him the card that said #11 dad? Haha, it was so funny and you didn’t even know it. We could also talk about how you purposely LOVED the Steelers just to go against daddy and the Eagles. You wore shirts, had a terrible towel, and even just cheered for them and against the Eagles every week. You came around that last Eagles Super Bowl though. You learned to enjoy both Pennsylvania teams. You always annoyed daddy with how you’d take your clothes off downstairs, throw them in the washing machine, and then go upstairs to get clean clothes. As a mom, I appreciated you throwing your clothes in the washing machine instead of outside your room in the hallway. You loved playing soccer and basketball with daddy, too. Although we both know that sometimes he got a little too serious and you didn’t want that. How many drills can someone do? Drills aren’t fun. I know if you were here you’d be making sure daddy would do whatever he wanted to tomorrow.

Isaiah, we love and miss you more than humanly possible. None of this is fair. None of this is okay. None of this was what I ever had planned for my life. When becoming a parent, you never really think into the thought of “what if I lost one of my children?” Your mind may randomly start to go there for a second, but you immediately stop it in its tracks and think of something else. You never let your thought get to it actually happening and what occurs after. I found a few counseling groups around here that we are going to meet with as a family. Unfortunately, this is a pain that you could only fathom if you’ve been through it. I’m hoping other families have some advice for us. Maybe just listening to someone else who’s gone through the same thing will be comforting. Please visit. Ellie asked you to let her know that you’re okay. Baby, I just want to see you and kiss your face. I want to see you and make you mad because I say you have to take a bath AND wash and condition your hair. I want to hug you and comment about how ridiculously tall you’ve gotten and talk about when you’re going to be taller than me. Isaiah, I just feel like I’m broken right now and there’s no way to ever fix this.