My baby boy,

Two weeks ago this whole thing started. It’s been two weeks now. I miss you so much. There are different times when things just hurt more. It hurts when I first wake up in the morning and realize that my reality is that you’re gone. I got sad yesterday when I was walking and saw a boy riding on his scooter. Night is the worst though. When the day starts to wind down, it gets a little more quiet, and we are sitting watching our movie or show..that’s when it really hits. I don’t have plans for the day to keep my mind on what’s next. I don’t have things I have to get done. I just sit in it and think. We watched Toy Story 3 tonight and I got sad seeing Andy get ready to go to college knowing I will never get to see that for you. I don’t get to see you grow up. The pain I feel from your loss, I can’t even describe it. I thought I’ve felt pain before, but nothing compares to this. Most of the time when I just get so overcome with emotions I just make a random noise or blow a raspberry with my tongue. It’s all I can get out.

We went to the funeral home today. I was okay at first, we were there to check some things off the list. After we sat down, the woman asked us to describe you to her so they could get to know you before taking care of you. I broke down. I absolutely love talking about you, but it destroys me at the same time. I’m so happy to tell people about how amazing you were. “Were” is the issue though. I can no longer tell people about anything new that you will do. I won’t have any new stories. I’m still trying to figure out how to get your legacy out into the world. Isaiah Joseph Watson will live on every single day. I will never forget you, but I want everyone to know you. Although you’re getting cremated, they took us around the property. It was absolutely beautiful. Remember the Byodo-In Temple we saw? It’s over there. I don’t even want to leave part of you here without me. I don’t want you to feel alone here when we move. I understand it’s just the physical form of you, but I never want you to be alone.

Miss Whitney made me a photo album with all the pictures from you and Bella when we became friends to the last time we saw them in Virginia before they moved to Brazil and we moved to Hawaii. It puts such a huge smile on my face looking at those. You and Bella were so close. I laughed with Miss Whitney tonight before she left and told her that maybe you’ll visit Bella and move all her stuff. Not lose it or anything, but just move it enough to annoy her like the almost brother you were. We honestly saw them almost every day for a year and a half. You were so comfortable with Miss Whitney that you always went and asked her for snacks or any form of entertainment she might have in her diaper bag. Miss Whitney was always prepared.

I was going through your room today and just looking around. I love how all the clothes I put on hangers after I did the laundry landed on your closet floor. Honestly, it made me laugh because of course that’s where they all are. I was also looking for any random note where you recently wrote “I love you”. I want to get your writing tattooed on my arm so I can just always look down and see it. Unfortunately, you didn’t write 7,000 notes a day like Ellie does. I have a lot of wonderful things from you, but haven’t found an “I love you” yet. I need to go back to my last birthday and see if I can find it in a card from you. To be completely truthful, I don’t think it really matters what it says. It’s your writing. It’s you.

Buddy, I still just feel like this can’t be real. How can I have lost you so young? I’m sure at some point later in life I will just deal with the new normal. For now though, I will continue to battle with it in my head. This can’t be real, this is not what I planned for our future. I didn’t care what you ended up doing with your life, I’m sure you would have been very successful, but I just wanted you to be happy. That’s all I want for all of you guys. That makes me feel a little better, thinking you were pretty happy before you were taken from us. I hope you didn’t really know what was going on before you lost consciousness. I hope you weren’t scared. Although I was only like six feet away from you, I hope you weren’t scared and wanting to yell for help, but couldn’t. I hope it all just happened and you were at peace.

I wake up in the middle of the night several times and have to put the television on. If I just lay there, the scene of you getting chest compressions just plays on a loop. I try to shut it down as quickly as it comes, but I can’t. That sight is what stays and keeps me up for an hour or two after. I know it was traumatic and that’s why it’s burned into my brain, but I hope one day it slows down a little.

Elijah’s birthday is in nine days and he wants to go to Keiki Kingdom. I’m torn. It is his birthday and he deserves to celebrate how he wants to, especially after all that has happened. You lived for Keiki Kingdom though. Honestly, I loved playing hide and seek with you guys there. I would always find a small place to kind of sit and wait for you guys to pass by so I could catch you. That’s really the only way I had a chance. Being an adult in that play area doesn’t make it easy to move quickly through it. Especially the little circle cutouts, they took me way too long to get through. The tunnels? You win, I can’t do it. It was a place where you could literally just run wild and go crazy. Even though you were always so sweaty after, you never wanted to leave. It’ll hurt to go back there without you. I will just see you running through the play area the entire time. Watching your serious face as you realize I’m coming for you. Always so focused. It’ll hurt. What can we do though? I can’t stay away from all the places I have memories with you because that’s most of this island. I have to let your siblings try and heal and still let them enjoy their childhood. I wonder if there will be a time where I can just confidently go somewhere, miss you, but smile thinking of all the good memories rather than bawling my eyes out. I know it’s always going to hurt, but is it always going to hurt the same?

I hope to see your face soon, baby. Please keep watch over us. I love you more than anything, Isaiah Joseph.