My baby boy,

My baby boy,

I know I seem like I’m losing it. I know I seem like I just want to give up. I know it seems like I’m completely broken and that’s it for me. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to have to worry about me down here while you’re on to the next step. No matter how much I cry, how sad I seem, how much I miss you, please know that I will figure it out. Your energy does not need to be put towards worrying about me.

You are my child. Even in the afterlife, it’s not your job to worry about me. It will always be my job to worry about you. That’s why I’m so sad and so upset, I worry. I worry that you’re alone and upset. I worry that I didn’t tell you I loved you nearly enough. I worry that my future on this Earth doesn’t include you physically here with me. I worry because of how much I love you. I worry because that’s what moms do.

I am trying my best to navigate through all of this. When it was something you never expected or prepared for, the surprise adds an extra element to processing this whole thing. When we didn’t even get a minute warning as to what was going to happen, it’s a lot more to take in. Whether you lose a child to sickness or unexpectedly, you lose a child. There is nothing worse in life. It’s easy for me to sit here and say “if we would have had a warning then just maybe I could handle this a little better”. I think that’s a lie. Whether you get no notice or a year’s notice, the end result would still be the same. You’re still gone. Even if I would have known what was happening and thrown an “I love you so much” party where I just have all your favorite things and tell you I love you a million times, I would still have regrets.

Please don’t waste your energy worrying about mom. There’s days where I cry for hours or times I just lie in bed, but that’s just how it is. That’s just how I handle how much I miss you. I’ve read books, joined groups, kept up with therapy, and am open to anything and everything so I can continue on and be the best mom to you guys on Earth and the best mom to pass on your legacy when you’re not here with us physically. I’m trying my best with Ellie, Lucas, and Elijah. I can tell you that I’m going to come up short on some things, but I am going to do what I can to help them. I am working to figure out how life works now. I am working to figure out how everything continues on.

I love you more than anything, my baby. Although I cry, scream, and miss you more than anything, I will figure it out. Please just watch over us from time to time and visit here and there. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my baby boy.