Hi baby boy,

Hi baby boy,

Want to know something crazy? I think writing to you has gone longer than anything I’ve ever done for myself. School and college classes don’t count because I had to. Practice and lifting for track in college were also requirements, so not that either. Doing this gives me a little bit of peace? I don’t know. Whatever made me think you could read what I put via Facebook has kept me going. If it’s out in the world, you have a better chance of seeing it than in a notebook in my room. It’s also my way to feel closer to you and keep you as a daily part of my life.

We went to Sam’s Club today, you wouldn’t have been happy. It was ridiculously crowded, but I wanted to get it over with. Your brothers brought their stuffed Yoshis and Ellie brought the list of things in her mind that she wanted to buy. Elijah got a puzzle, Ellie bought some Christmas Bluey books, and Lucas bought a Lego space book. It had some Legos in there to build with. You have a few books like that in your room right now. At first I was going to say “no”, but then I realized that Lucas can read now so why not? As soon as they got home, the boys went up to their room to build. On the way home, I found myself just smiling as I was driving. They were watching Encanto and the part came on where Louisa was singing Surface Pressure. There was a point where that was your favorite song and you listened to it all the time. I was just driving, thinking of you, and smiling while listening to that song.

You’ve been creeping into my dreams in different ways now. Although you’re never in them and talk to me, I don’t spend every dream crying because you’re gone. In last night’s dream I was at some movie theatre with bleachers (please note that dreams never make any sense, but you never question it during them). I thought of you and was looking under the bleachers for money. In my dream I thought of you looking in the ditch and finding your $100 bill. I loved remembering you in my dream, but not living in the grief in my dream too.

I would say it’s been a long week with Halloween and everything, but it’s been a long five months at this point. I felt like earlier in this whole time I had more “good” days. They weren’t even good, it’s just that they seemed a little more positive. Now I’m just so tired. It’s just a constant sadness that never goes away. Sometimes it’ll get really bad, but even on the good days the feeling is still just sitting there. I guess it’s a part of me that I’m going to have for the rest of my life. It’s the sadness of missing you, the grieving the loss of my entire future I had planned, the shock of losing you and still not having a single answer, and the stress of making sure I get your siblings whatever they need for this and don’t screw it up. It’s like I want to just “disappear” for a few hours or even a day. Disappear so I have no responsibilities and even blank out my mind so I don’t even have to think. That sounds depressing, I know.

I think about you every second of every day. I hope you know how much you meant to me and your family. This massive loss has forever changed all of our lives. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.