Hi my baby boy,

Hi my baby boy,

We went to Target today. While we were walking through the parking lot Ellie randomly paused and asked, “where’s Isaiah?”. She seemed to be embarrassed and said she doesn’t know why that happens. I explained to her that it happens to me all the time. It’s like our brains want to give us a little break from your loss so we forget for a second. I also told her it could be that she was just thinking about you and that’s perfectly fine too. We spent a few minutes discussing how gross your shoes smelled when you refused to wear socks. It came up because she was talking about me coming home from my run last night. She said, “no offense, but you smelled so gross”. It was a hard workout, I will not apologize. Also, it got us laughing about times with you, which I always welcome.

At Target, we looked at the ornaments they had already put out. I wanted to see which one we could get in honor of you, but they weren’t all out yet. There was an axolotl from Minecraft, but I wanted to wait just to make sure. Of course then I felt guilty that we didn’t get the ornaments for each of you every year. I was always keeping track of money because four kids at Christmas isn’t cheap. Here we are now, you’re gone, and all of a sudden I’m desperate to get an ornament for you.

I’m officially late at putting up the Christmas decorations. Usually I’ve started them on November 1st, but we still have Halloween up even though I put it up in July. I’m just tired. The house is also a mess. Plus, all the bins are stacked so high in that ridiculously long and narrow closet so it’s a whole process to get everything. Or maybe I’m just putting off everything because I don’t want to deal with the holidays without you? I honestly can’t tell you the reason, but I have not had the motivation at all to get everything out.

I miss you more than I thought was humanly possible. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.