My baby boy,

It’s been a long day. Today was my day to volunteer for Elijah’s Pre-K, I had to get things ready for Ellie’s “not a party cupcake thing” at the park, and it’s just been nonstop. It was weird having to stay at the YMCA with just Lucas. Every time I volunteered when Lucas went there, you all had to come with me. You always ended up playing with all the younger kids at their recess. You played so well with them and always had races and played some type of game with a ball. They really liked you because you were always so nice to them. Remember the end of the year carnival? You had the game with the cups of water and the ping pong balls. I laughed because it was very similar to a drinking game and a bunch of five year olds were playing. At one point a little toddler just walked over and put their ball in the cup. You cheered for them and gave them a prize. Your brothers still talk about that and how nice you were to the kids during that game. It was totally different there today, though. Lucas wouldn’t even play with Elijah at recess. That’s crazy considering you guys had to do everything with him when was at school.

I saw that boy again today, the one with the deep set eyes. Do you want to know something crazy? He was wearing the same Minecraft creeper sweatshirt you had and had the same book bag you had last year. I had to smile.

Tomorrow is Ellie’s birthday, I miss your excitement for holidays and even birthdays that weren’t yours. After tomorrow, we will have officially made it through all the kids’ birthdays, including yours, without you. With the coming months including Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I’m actually not really looking forward to them. I’m kind of dreading all of it.

I had been doing decently well with my nutrition plan I had set up. It was one of the few things I could control. It’s helped so much with my running, too. For whatever reason though, life got too heavy and all of it crashed and burned. I need to find the little control in this life because I obviously don’t have control over much.

I’m sorry this is shorter, but I’m exhausted. If your siblings or the dogs aren’t waking me up, I am just constantly up for no reason. Pay a visit to your sister if you can. She’s mentioned a few times over the past months how she didn’t want to celebrate her birthday without you. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.