Hi sweetie,

Today we celebrated Ellie’s birthday. Lucas didn’t want to tell Ellie that today was a bad day, but he said it was because you weren’t there.

Our day was spent polar opposite of your birthday. Your birthday usually had us sticking around the house so you could build, but Ellie wanted to go everywhere. You know how long she takes to make decisions, but the decisions take even longer when she’s using her own money. I was more exhausted than I should have been by the day.

Mrs. Holmes gave Ellie a birthday gift. I’ve told you a thousand times, I love and appreciate that woman so much. I know I told you when you were alive because I saw her kindness and caring personality when she sent home a bookmark for Valentine’s Day and everyone had an adjective next to their name describing something positive about each child. When I saw that bracelet come home and she referred to you guys as a “family”, my heart melted. I’m so happy you had her, she’s been this amazing “warmth” since we lost you. I see her even far away and smile.

We went to lunch at Johnny Rockets. While we were eating, Ellie noticed the song that was playing sounded exactly like the noise you always said dad makes when he sneezes. She was exactly right. I know you would have figured out the name to that song and played it on repeat every time dad sneezed.

I’ve been missing you, my baby. I’ve let it get in the way of the little things I was doing to take care of myself and frankly everything just seems worse. There’s just always something that’s been going on with doctors’ appointments, therapies, grief groups, birthdays, and grieving you. I feel like I just needed a break from something and making sure to take care of myself was the one thing I had control over. I know that in order to get through this, I need to get my stuff together. It’s just difficult and I’m exhausted. I hope you stopped by today to see Ellie for her birthday. She wore her urn necklace and said, “Isaiah came with us”. I told her there’s no doubt in my mind you were with us. I love you so much, sweetie. Please watch over us. I will try and get my life together for you. Goodnight and sweet dreams.