Hi baby,

Hi baby,

Today was another “eh” day. Because I was in a rut, I decided to try and build the Lego family tree with your siblings. The excitement they had with the Encanto house was definitely not there for this tree. With the Madrigal house, each room was its own separate bag and instruction booklet. Plus, it was super colorful and exciting. The family tree is just one instruction booklet, not as colorful, and frankly it’s pretty difficult. So the four of us attempted to all sit there and build the same thing together. I tried to set the mood with some Christmas music and I had my fall oils diffusing. Lucas and Elijah kept fighting over who got to put the legos on. Ellie got so annoyed she wasn’t getting a chance that she became the person that got out the bricks we needed. In typical Ellie fashion, she angrily tossed each brick I asked for. Lucas quit first. He got upset he didn’t get to put a brick on and then curled up in a ball on the couch where he declared it a horrible day. Then it was just me, Ellie, and Elijah. They asked several times for a break before I told them to just go do what they wanted. I was left alone to build it. I don’t know if you heard me talking to you a few times. I couldn’t figure out what we screwed up and told you that you were probably annoyed with our mistakes. I called it a night not long after Ellie and Elijah ditched me. The build was very intricate and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.

In honor of you, it was your pick tonight and we watched the 1966 Grinch movie. I know you loved that one. I always loved it as a kid and am so glad you guys all liked it.

If you would have asked me a year ago what my life would look like in a year, I would have told you that we were happily enjoying our last year in Hawaii as a family together. I thought this would be the first year that all my kids were in school and I would have three hours a day, for three days during the week to be childless. It’s been eleven years since that happened, so it was big. I thought I had it all.

If you would have asked me six months ago what my life would look like today, completely different story. I thought I would be back in Pittsburgh with you guys, back to teaching, and rebuilding as a stronger version of myself. We would celebrate all your birthdays at our new house and get to see all the extended family and friends we never get to see.

I have no idea what my life is right now. I’m in a place I could have never imagined. I don’t know how to move forward without you and I don’t know what my life is without you. I feel stuck. I’m here trying to get you everything into place for us like doctor visits, therapies, and different support groups. I love Ellie’s teacher and the good friends and their families that Ellie is always with. We’ve got our things here that are helping us make it through this. All the while, I’m still looking up houses in Pittsburgh and having an impossible time finding one. Trying to rent a house with Apollo and Bella is nearly impossible. I saw our original house we were going to live in, but it was up for sale and not being rented out. That house was perfect. So now I’m stuck here between two different lives trying to figure them both out at the same time. Should we have left already? Should I wait and stay so Ellie can finish out the school year? I worry with moving her to a non-military school in the middle of the year. I don’t even know what I’m doing day to day. My goal is to figure out what’s best for your siblings and make it happen as soon as possible.

I want you to know that I think about you every second of every day. I’m still holding out for hope that we get an answer from the autopsy. I just want to know what exactly took my baby away from me. I need an answer.

I love you so much, my baby. Please watch over us and maybe point me in the direction of the next steps I need to take in life. Goodnight and sweet dreams.