My baby,
Today was rough. There was no reason. There was no trigger, I just started crying. There’s still days where I think this is a sick joke and I have to see you again. You are my second born. In no world should a parent have to lose a child. I know that it happens a lot more than it should, but it was never going to happen to me. Those kidnappers that follow people around in Walmart? Not on my watch. You were out riding your bike? Well you complained, but always had your helmet on. I made sure you got your over eight hours of sleep, if you were still tired you would always just nap. You went to every well check at the doctor’s each and every year. I even changed our doctor in Missouri because our original one wasn’t the best. So, I found the best. I wouldn’t let you “race cars down the street on your skateboard” and didn’t let you sleep in the rock and play because it had been recalled. I didn’t think of it as being one of the “lucky ones” if I got to see all four of my kids grow up. I thought it was a given. I thought that once I gave birth to you, they deemed you “healthy”, and you met your normal milestones that the rest of our lives were guaranteed.
You were going to have to deal with everyone telling you all your life just how beautiful your eyes were. I loved how you’d make comments about how people always said something about it. Luckily, it didn’t bother you and you liked the compliment. You were going to do something great. What that was, I have no idea. Maybe you’d get married, maybe you’d have kids. If you didn’t have kids, but your siblings did, you would have been the fun and crazy uncle. I think you would have been a lot like Uncle Brandon. I’d get older and you’d come and visit me, but still give me the big hugs. Then I would go before you and spend the next part of my life looking down on you, your siblings, and any grandkids.
I never wanted to put myself in the position of thinking “what if one of my kids passed away?”. That’s an uncomfortable feeling, a horrible feeling, and I didn’t want to even think about it. You deserved a full life. You deserved the world. No parent should have to lose their child to sickness, accidents, SIDS, before birth..ever. The connection I now have with anyone who has lost a child is huge. I want them to tell me everything. I want them to tell me that eventually I will be okay. The problem is, it seems like it‘ll never be okay. I will miss you every second of every day for the rest of my life. I wish I could bring you back. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could trade spots with you. I wish for anything that involves you being physically back here on Earth.
I’m spiraling and just going off on everything. When that happens, it’s time for me to go to bed. When I get like this I start to go down a dark road and can’t stop it at some point. When that happens, I’m an absolute wreck that can’t get out of bed. I love you more than anything in the world. I love you more than you loved pizza, hamburgers, legos, and soccer COMBINED. Right?! That’s crazy! I love you and sweet dreams. I hope I was everything you wanted in a mom.