Hi baby,

I’m starting to write this to you in the morning. It’s already started out pretty heavy. Elijah came into my room after he woke up and was just lying in bed with me. He first started talking about the worlds in Mario 3D World that he and Lucas beat the night before. On a side note, I don’t like that game. Maybe it’s because Elijah is a horrible partner to play with? He just runs as fast as he can through all the worlds and I am always left behind on the screen. I’m pretty sure you would feel the same way playing with Elijah or Lucas. Anyway, Elijah put my comforter over his head and didn’t say anything. Then he pulled it down and said “I think my eyes are watery”. They were, he was starting to cry. I asked what he was upset about and he said he didn’t know. Then I asked him if he was thinking about you. He said “I wish I could just sacrifice myself”. I thought he meant he would rather go if it meant bringing you back. After I told him sacrificing himself wouldn’t bring you back he said, “no, then I could be with Isaiah”. Hearing your just turned five year old express that he wants to die to be with his brother is very dark. It’s heartbreaking to see when they’re randomly struggling with losing you and how they’re processing it.

Also, I have learned that you and I have the same humor. It’s fine for you, but I apparently make the same jokes an eight year old boy would make. Lucas was playing Minecraft and asked me what color bed he should put in his house. I told him he should get a yellow bed because it would look like he peed in it. Lucas laughed. Then he said you always said you would get the brown bed because it would look like you pooped in it. I’m really proud of my comment after hearing that. I always said you and I were the most similar. Lucas ended up picking a red bed though. He wanted to get red because it was your favorite color.

One of our favorite nurses you had sent me some information on another organization over here that works with families who have lost children. I signed us up for the family retreat in October. It’s four days and three nights down at Mokuleia. We will stay in a cabin and just do different family activities working through healing the loss. Surprisingly, nobody is excited and Ellie asked me why I sign up for everything. I don’t know how to get through this, so why not seek out any and every resource that can help guide the way? I’m the person that will take all the help with things like this. I know you’d be excited to go stay in a cabin on the beach. They’re just being Moody Myrtles.

Tonight we had the family craft night thing at the Arts and Crafts Center. We each painted a canvas of the shoreline and ocean. I got a canvas for you, because why would we have a family thing and not include you? We each helped paint the ocean on yours. Then, I copied a paper that you wrote your name on and transferred it into the sand. We also chose the shark stencil for you, because we honestly thought that’s what you’d pick. Tomorrow, I’m going to glue some of the shells and sea glass that you have in your room to the sand. I cried during the event. I think the lady across from me noticed because she kept looking at me and giving me these soft and sweet smiles. She was a grandma, so it was probably just part of who she was. Just smile to try and make people feel better.

Your siblings wanted to go to Pineapple Express today. I’m sorry you only got to go once. We drove out there and they’re closed this week for vacation. They were disappointed so I told them we would go to the ice cream place just a few minutes away. Well we drove, parked, and walked to the ice cream shop. Guess what?!? It was closed too! They didn’t have a sign on the door though, so I have no idea what was happening. Instead, we went to the commissary and got pizza, sushi, lunchables. You loved that dinner.

I miss you so much and just want to hear your voice and hold you. I always thought I had the rest of my life with you. I was supposed to go before you. Remember? I told you guys you could split my childhood Pokémon cards once I died. Sure they weren’t worth a thing, but maybe in another forty years? I found your Pokémon card binder finally! It’s really been bothering me that it was just missing. It was in the big green container you had by your bed with the car tracks in it. The binder was just buried at the bottom. Isaiah Joseph, I love you more than anything. Please keep watching over us. Visit whoever you can because frankly, everyone needs you. I love you so much baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.