My baby,

My baby,

There are days where all I want to do is shut off my brain, today is one of those days. It seems like I just can’t stop myself from going off in my thoughts. Even when I actively try and bring myself back, it feels like there’s 30,000 things racing through my head. I have cried at the drop of a hat, I’ve gone back to seeing you floating in the ocean, and I’ve just been so sad today.

Yesterday at the beach I tried to go back into my Facebook messages from the day I told my world that you were declared brain dead. I can’t even easily type that. I was so overwhelmed and just shocked that I haven’t looked at any of them. I didn’t look at many of my text messages either. They’re all just still sitting there unread. I thought I was ready yesterday to start going through them and replying to people. It wasn’t even going to be a big reply, just a “thank you” for reaching out during this horrible time. I think I managed a quick reply to five people and then it became too much. I got to one from someone in college and it her words were too sweet so I just stopped reading.

I dropped off a card today at Elijah’s parents’ house. I didn’t think I should go up and talk to a thirteen year old who doesn’t even know me, especially since I’d probably break down. When you started playing basketball with Elijah, I got worried. You had absolutely no training in basketball and he was a few years older. I know you would never be like this, but some kids aren’t always the most welcoming. I’ve watched kids before ignore you or not let you play because you weren’t at their “skill level”. It didn’t happen often, but that two or three times really bothered me as a mom. However, he seemed to welcome you in and would shoot around and even play games with you. As a parent, you also notice other kids that are good human beings. I saw him yesterday playing when I came home. I actually made that turn, saw two kids shooting around at the hoop, and my brain went to it being you for a second.

I wrote a card to his parents today and dropped it off. I wasn’t even sure if it was Elijah’s house, but his sibling was at the door and I asked if Elijah was his brother. With a confused look, they said “yes”, so I gave them the card and asked them to pass it on to their parents. All the card said was thanking them for raising such a great kid and how I was so appreciative of the kindness that he showed you. He was a positive impact on your life and I wanted his parents to know it.

For whatever reason, I went into my Alexa voice history tonight and filtered it out to listen to recordings from you. It killed me. It’s off because it’s comforting to hear your voice, but it’s also like a shot to the heart. I miss you so much and love hearing your voice, but it tears me apart every single time.

I’ve never felt more lost in my life, but also that I’m on the right track with what I’m doing. I feel like I have no idea what the hell is happening in my life, but that I’m also on track. I know, that makes absolutely no sense. I have a sib shop training workshop that I’m attending this Friday and Saturday. It’s two days on learning how to help siblings cope with the loss of a sibling. I need to educate myself on this to make sure I give your siblings every opportunity I can to heal. Will I use this information later in life? Who knows, but it’s important in our life right now.

I hope you were proud of me as your mom. Yes, all kids love and look up to their parents, but I hope I added a little something extra. Something that when you got older, you’d look back and laugh at, but appreciate. Things you would talk about with your siblings, smile about, tease me about. I used to look back and think that me being your mom wasn’t enough. I needed to somehow prove myself outside of being a mom to gain any respect from people. I thought people didn’t look at me as seriously because I was “just a stay at home mom”. I now know that it was enough. Me recognizing that took way too long. I couldn’t appreciate it all until I lost you and I could really look back at everything we did and were. You were an amazing son. You challenged me in ways that I was constantly learning, but taught me so much at the same time. I am so proud of everything you were. I miss you and love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.