My baby,

My baby,

I had another heart wrenching dream about you. I knew you were gone, but I was still trying to lay down and cuddle with you. You weren’t there though. I kept trying, but obviously never succeeded. I would rather not dream than to constantly dream about how you’re not there.

I called the medical examiner today, just to see if the autopsy is almost done. I’ve been told so many different timelines. In the hospital, they said two to six months. After the autopsy, they said six months was the longest. When I called last month, they said they were averaging six months. Today when I called, she told me six months would be the earliest. They said with your age, it’ll take six to eight months. I was told to call back in December to see.

I’m not sure why I “need” to know. I mean, I get it. I want to know why the hell one of my children isn’t with me anymore. I want to make sure your siblings don’t have the same thing that took you. It won’t change anything with you though. I can’t bring you back. I couldn’t have stopped it. I don’t know, but when the lady told me it would probably be longer today I just started crying on the phone. I think I feel like maybe I will feel better once I find out what happened. We all know that’s a lie though. I think I’m just holding out and hoping for things to get better.

One of Uncle Brandon’s friends passed away when she was younger. For whatever reason, I reached out to her mom the other day. I guess I’m just reaching out to anyone who’s been in this situation and they’re going to show me that I will get through this. She was super sweet, even though she has no idea who I was. If it weren’t for your siblings, I would have given up at this point. There’s no end to the sadness and if I didn’t have them, I don’t think I would have a reason to push through it.

Elijah cried today at school. They were reading a book about a toy boat that got lost out at sea or something. He said it made him think of you. His teacher gave him a Kleenex and he told her why he was upset. I’m proud of him for actually talking about what he was feeling. He likes to pretend his eyes are watering and he says he has no idea why it’s happening. He also told me that he’s going to find a lucky penny and wish you back to life. If only it were that simple.

Elijah wants to tell you, “Hi Isaiah. Do you remember that funny movie where the dog dies? (That’s a quote from Inside Out, please note he’s not being serious) Isaiah, you know how I try and make everybody happy? Well it never works. Isaiah, when I was at school when we read a book it made me think of you. And bye”.

Baby boy, I love and miss you so incredibly much. Please visit. Goodnight and sweet dreams.