My baby boy,

My baby boy,

Apparently with this grief I’m dealing with a continuous cycle of how my brain is working. Tonight I was told by my therapist that based on her notes, I keep cycling through the same ways of thinking every few weeks.

I currently don’t think I’m doing enough. I don’t think I’m doing enough for your siblings, the house isn’t clean enough, I feel guilty for reading books, I just can’t do anything right. I felt this way before you passed away. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. It’s my job as your mom to take care of you and do everything I do. I shouldn’t get a pat on the back for taking care of and loving my kids. However, after you passed away I had a small window where I realized all the memories I had with you and was thankful for everything. I’m back at not doing enough though.

We went to Aweoweo tonight. It’s the first beach that’s not Mokoleia that I’ve been to since you’ve passed. The last time I was there was about two or three days before you passed. I took Lucas and Elijah there to get one of our last Hawaiian beach trips in. The last time you were there was probably a week or two before that. That was the day where you managed to dig a tunnel in the sand and put your hand in one hole and then saw it coming out the other. You were so proud of it. You made me take pictures. You and I also each put our arms in the separate holes and then met in the middle.

When I was standing on the beach today, I looked off to the right and that’s where Miss Brittany took us on our first visit to a beach when we moved to Hawaii. It was amazing. I remember we had to keep telling you to “chill” because you were just all over the place. You loved the water, but also lacked and swim lessons and didn’t have much experience at all in the water. Naturally, we worried. Especially with you, Mr. No Fear, always just doing things without any thought of repercussions.

I hadn’t wanted to go back to that beach because of the park. We went to that park so many times. You would jump off the swings and I would hold my breath each time as you crashed to the ground. You sat in that little spinny thing, but you guys always played on the money bars. Guess what? Ellie went over there and her toes are on the ground now when she was on the monkey bars. That means you would have been touching the ground when you went on them. That’s insane.

I don’t like to “revisit” places because it’s very difficult to go back through all those memories and have you no longer here. I know I’ve been avoiding a lot of places and things since we have lost you. I want to go and relive those memories and even make new ones, but it’s just extremely hard on me. I’m living in this middle ground where there’s something I really want to do, but know it’ll bring a lot of sadness.

I love you so much, my baby. Things have been rough and I’m sorry. I’m trying my best. Goodnight and sweet dreams.