My sweet Isaiah,
My sweet Isaiah,
Today was another day. I’m being told to just focus on everything one day at a time. I honestly can’t tell you what I think I should be accomplishing on a day to day basis right now, but I just don’t think it’s enough. I managed to take Ellie and Elijah to and from school, we took Ellie to therapy, I played some sleeping queens with Lucas, we did homeschool, I finished my book, I fed your siblings, and I ran a speed workout. Maybe I feel like the quality time should be more “quality”. However, your sister really doesn’t want quality time with anyone in this house unless it’s just her and she’s going somewhere. They stripped down to their underwear and t-shirts and jumped on the trampoline with wigs while I made dinner. They seemed to enjoy themselves. You know me, I’m fine with whatever you guys do.
Like I said, I’m not exactly sure what I think I should be doing. I know anyone else in this situation, I’d be like “you made it through another day, that’s awesome!”, but with you missing I feel like a huge void needs filled. I cannot fill the hole that was left when we lost you, but maybe if I can jam like a hundred little things into that hole it won’t hurt as much. Who am I kidding though? Not even time will heal this loss. I think that’s why I feel so defeated. No matter how positive I try and be or what I manage to do, I will never be who I was before. My “good days” before don’t exist, they can’t. The good days from now on will include some kind of sadness/grief/longing for you to be with us.
I know I’ve said this to you in the letters and while you were still with us, but thinking adults had their stuff together when I was younger was the biggest mistake. I thought anyone who “resembled an adult” had it all figured out and moved through each day easily. That’s crap. Before losing you I was still wondering what the hell I was doing in life, but now it’s worse. I don’t know why adults never told anyone when we were younger that reality is nobody really ever completely knows everything they’re doing. I need direction, but I don’t even know where to look for it.
Someone that daddy and I ran with in college passed away. I don’t know how it works up there, but if you get a chance to meet her, she was a pretty great human. Maybe introduce yourself to her and talk to her a little.
My baby, I love you and wish every single day that this wasn’t our new reality. I don’t think I will ever “accept” it the way they say you should in the stages of grief. Those stages are also misleading. I thought once I moved through one part it’s on to the next one and then the next one. However, it’s like a cluster-f of moving back and forth through sadness, then anger, back to sadness, then still denial, more anger..it just keeps going. I do not feel that there is ever an actual end to this kind of grief. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.