My baby,
Today has flipping sucked, there is no other way to say it. I am not equipped to deal with all that life has thrown at me the last year. I want to just give up and be done because feeling this way every single day is horrible. Half the time I need to walk around and pretend that I’ve got it together and am handling everything, but I’m not.
I had a dream about you again last night, but it was just a dream where I lost you and was dealing with it. I was crying in your room, didn’t want to pack it up, you were gone. I woke up and knew the day didn’t stand a chance. When I can’t even get a break from this horrible feeling when I sleep, it’s just too much. I spent a lot of this morning crying. I cleaned the house to try and stay busy and then just decided to run. The plan was to run and then come back home and get out of the house. I felt better after my run. It’s like I could internally scream in my head while actually exerting the energy from running. I got back, showered, and was happy that I found something that “helps”. I went to the park with your brothers for a little and then we had to go to the commissary.
We were going through the aisles and I was down the baking aisle because Ellie wanted to make doughnuts from her library book. I overheard a man and his son searching through the spices for sesame seeds. As a person who’s done this numerous times, i overheard them and then decided to creepily insert myself and told them to try the Asian section. It turns out, that the man and his son were your former soccer coach and Mrs. Holmes husband and her son. I’ve told you how appreciative I am of Mrs. Holmes, I’ve said it a million times. When he reminded me he was your soccer coach and I put two and two together it’s like my heart sank. I love seeing people who have a connection to you, it’s just the grief today took over when that happened. I spent the rest of my time at the commissary randomly crying and getting the last few things on my list.
Once I got home, the groceries got unpacked and daddy took over. I went up in my room and just laid there with Schitt’s Creek on. There’s nothing that will make this “better” and time isn’t going to heal the loss of you. Fifty years from now I will still cry when talking about losing you.
We lost you so quickly and without a second of warning. With losing you I’ve been reminded of the famous saying “tomorrow is never promised”. So now I feel as though I should be “taking advantage” of the time I still have with your siblings, but it’s difficult. Some days are half decent and I feel okay about how the day went, but other days I just feel like a horrible mom because I’m given this time with your siblings and I’m in a dark hole during it.
Today sucked, I miss you terribly. I love you so much my baby, goodnight and sweet dreams.