My one and only, Isaiah Joseph,

Hi baby. Today started out okay. I took the boys up Kolekole with me and left one of your ti leaf leis from your birthday up at your secret spot. I hung it on the branch of a tree so hopefully it just continues to hang there as the branch grows. I yelled your name from that spot too. The boys kind of looked at me like I was crazy. It was a nice hike though, I felt at peace and grateful to be there with the boys. Elijah talked about how much he loved nature, while Lucas kept telling me how much he hated nature. It was solid bonding time for us. I could just picture you running through the trail.

I saw something today that made me think of you. You probably don’t remember because you were between a year or two old. To attempt to help your eczema and skin, we tried something new. After your bath, I lotion on your skin, then damp pajamas, and then saran wrapped the pajamas onto your body. We didn’t leave them on as long as we were supposed to. You absolutely hated it and acted like you were being tortured. I get it, I don’t want wet pajamas saran wrapped to my body either. Too bad we never figured out how to help you. After several dermatologist visits, they only gave us steroids that would lighten your skin and everything would come back as soon as we stopped using it. Then you got older, refused to use lotion, and went on with your life. Honestly though, the times I forced you to put lotion on, you just wiped it off with a towel while staring at me.

I woke up to a message from Aunt Megan. She found a picture of you and her from when we were visiting while we lived in Virginia. She then said she saw like a white mist. Was that you stopping to say “hi”? You guys always loved going over their house and that was one of the things you most looked forward to with moving to Pittsburgh. Ellie also said she had a dream about you last night and you gave her a hug, a kiss, and licked her (which is still so weird you did that, but Lucas randomly licks Elijah so I guess it’s whatever) before you left. She was confused because she said “but I felt him hug me, like I really felt it”. She lost her best friend when she lost you.

It occurred to me today in the car that it’s already been three months since everything happened. Daddy and I both think you were gone right away, this was the day you “left us”. That’s when the tears started today. How could it already be three months without you? It seems like yesterday, but also like it’s been forever since I’ve held you. Daddy has nightmare flashbacks of when he first saw you come out of the ambulance at the hospital. In mine, we are on the beach. I can still feel how it felt to pull you out of the water and up onto the sand.

I do think you were an evolved soul. You came into this world so fast. You hit all your milestones early and had no fear. You were so eager to learn and so intelligent. You were extremely kind and so sensitive. When you felt something, you really felt it.

I started wondering if everything that had happened before this, was meant to happen. Everything that occurred prepared be for being able to survive your loss. Maybe it’s me just fitting puzzle pieces together to help me try and make sense of my life. I always thought we came to Hawaii for a reason. I used to think it was to take in and appreciate the beauty of this place. I think that’s was just part of it though. Simply moving this far away from “home” taught me so much and allowed to me let go of some of the weight that I carried with things. I switched therapists and my lady has been talking to me for over two years now. Honestly, the roller coaster that she’s listened to is crazy. Then after my birthday the other stuff started. I guess I didn’t learn from that, though, so I had to have it drilled into my head again a few months ago. It was then where I finally woke up to realize things I had never thought before. That was it! This is what it was building up to, to survive that. Then May 31st came and my entire world fell apart. I honestly believe because of everything I’ve been through before this, that’s the only way I’m surviving. The strength I gained those months before losing you have allowed me to attempt to continue on and try and figure out the health of your siblings. I still cry every day. I’m crying while typing this out to you right now. I just can see your smiling face and hear you walking like an elephant around the house.

I’m trying my best. My life will never be the same and I will never be the same person I was before losing you. Both those things are gone forever. I promise to try my best with everything for you. I will attempt to cut myself some slack for coming up short. I will attempt to be more present instead of worrying about the unknown future or fifty thousand things that need done. I promise I will do whatever I can to try and make sure that something like this never affects our family again, including generations after me. I promise that we will talk about you and remember you every minute of every day. Please watch over us. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.