My sweet boy,

The pain of missing you is surging back in waves. Between the holidays and the stress of what happens the next few months, it’s just too much.

Last May, my future was moving my four babies back to Pittsburgh and just opening a new chapter in my life. As soon as we lost you, that plan was immediately called off and it was just focus day to day and figure everything out later. Now that the “later” is somewhat here, I am getting anxiety at leaving Hawaii. How do I possibly move to open a new chapter without you there? I will be leaving the house and my final memories of you to try and make new memories in a place you never called home. How does someone manage that transition?

We put in the application for the house today. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I’m waiting for the “perfect time” and simultaneously realizing the perfect time when I’m ready to leave will never exist. I could live out the rest of my life here. The beauty and aloha spirit makes it easy to fall in love with this place. The worry that I will never get back here to visit adds to the anxiety. The memories I made here. The memories I have with you, will I ever be able to revisit them? Although it’d be a lot of driving, I can revisit Tennessee, Missouri, and Virginia. I can go back to some of our favorite parks and restaurants. I can go see the “rocket ship park” in Tennessee, visit the river in Missouri, while creeping into our old backyard to see if your sand pit is still around, and going to Busch Gardens in Virginia. It’s not as easy to come to Oahu and see the beaches that you loved so much. I can’t just go for a walk and picture you hanging off or climbing all the different trees that you did. I can’t even go to Sam’s Club to hear your voice complaining about it being the worst day ever and you insisting we can’t take the elevator.

You know that I used to walk past your room at night after I got the boys to bed and see you sleeping? I would go in and give you a kiss because this crazy fear in the back of my mind was “you don’t want to not do it and lose him some day, you’ll have regrets”. I stupidly wonder if that was my intuition giving me “hints” to us losing you so early. I also had this recurring thought of “oh my gosh, I’m missing a child”, but all four of you would be there. I thought to myself maybe it was because we lost the baby before Lucas or because I would get a crazy surprise and have another kid one day. What if it was just more of a preparation for your loss? I know this sounds absolutely crazy right now and what I’m saying is ridiculous, but it’s just the thoughts that race through my mind on a daily basis.

I went through the cards with peoples’ memories of you from your celebration of life today. I have yet to read all of them. It’s too much. I got through half of them. One of the things that stood out was how Mr. Fred wrote that you told him you loved him. Delilah wrote something similar. I have no doubt in my mind that you did love them. You loved people so easily and so much. My favorite part though, you let them know it. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t express to people how much they mean to me and how much their love and care has meant to me, but you were fearless. You made sure anyone and everyone you cared about knew it.

Walking past your school picture in the hallway every day is hard. I can’t really stop and look at it. I kind of just touch your picture and smile as I walk by. Sometimes I just tell you “I love you”. You were turning into such a young man and I didn’t even see it at the time. I still saw you as my young Isaiah. I can only imagine how much you’d have changed in this last six and a half months.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. You will forever be part of me and have changed my life forever. Please help me within the next few months and with the next steps that will be taken. Goodnight and sweet dreams.