August 11, 2024

August 11, 2024

Isaiah Joseph,

There was no greater joy in my life than being your mom. I loved our chaos. I loved the noise. I found it entertaining when people asked if all of you guys were mine. A therapist even asked me once if I planned all of you (I did, but I didn’t see her again after that first appointment). I was stressed a lot and losing my mind sometimes, but I figured I would be able to breathe and feel like I “did a good job” once you guys got older. There were times throughout your lives that I was able to just sit back and look at how lucky I was. Sometimes I could just sit there and watch you guys with a smile on my face. However, I took it for granted. I spent too much time worrying about what was for dinner, or what things we had to do in the coming days, or if I would somehow ruin your lives and cause you to need extensive therapy to undo it. I lost you too early though. I wasted too much time on things that didn’t matter. I’m trying my best to fix that.

You absolutely loved the water and when we moved to Hawaii that love only grew. Remember when we stopped at that hotel when we were going to visit Pittsburgh from Missouri? I stopped with you guys for the night in Indiana, I think? Well the pool had sharks painted at the bottom and you guys wouldn’t go near that side of the pool. I had to hold Elijah the whole time because he was just a toddler, Lucas stayed on the stairs, Ellie stayed on the shallow part, and you bobbed around everywhere, except where the painted sharks were.

Lucas is really struggling tonight and angry that you’re gone. He’s asking why you don’t visit in his dreams. So if you have a moment, he could really use seeing you. I love you more than anything, baby. I’m so tired of missing you. I just want to rewind life.