Baby boy,

What do you think we did today since half our house still needs unpacked? If you guessed that I bought paint and painted things I didn’t plan on, you are correct! I also got the shelf hung up with all our leis on it. I have every lei we got during our time in Hawaii on there. I have the ones from daddy’s ceremony when he took command, the pipe cleaner flower leis from your first day of school, the leis your siblings made you for your honor walk at the hospital, along with a bunch of others.

I took Ellie and Lucas to the trampoline park while Elijah was at Pre-K this morning. Ellie and Lucas have Spring Break this whole week, but Elijah still has school today and tomorrow.

I had to sit at the table for a little at the trampoline park to “watch” Ellie’s drink. While I was sitting there, I tried to remember how it felt to not have your loss weighing on me. I can’t remember it and this is how it is for

I was listening to a podcast the other day and it made me think about past things. Someone was talking about how they were getting signs about things eventually happening. I used to walk past your room sometimes after putting the boys to bed and think “what if this is my last chance to kiss him goodnight?” For whatever reason, you’re the only one I thought that with. Then when you’d be with Carson I would see your siblings sitting on the couch and think “so this is what it would be if I only had three kids”. It was probably just random things that are now coming to mind because we lost you. I don’t know, it makes you wonder.

Maybe one day I will find my purpose. Until then, I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.