Baby boy,

It was another bad day. It’s not that I’m pushing aside my grief, at least I don’t think I am. I thought I was facing it head on, but maybe I’m not? I cannot put into words what I’m feeling, even for myself. It’s like I’m lost in this fog of my emotions and can’t find my way to the clearing.

I’m mad. I want to yell at the world at the top of my lungs to go “f itself”. It’s weird to be mad at nobody and yet everybody at the same time. I’m so sad. This sadness I have feels like a black hole and it’s just going to always keep going. There’s no way out of the darkness and sadness, I’m just floating around and stuck for the rest of my life.

These aren’t just simple mad and sad emotions. They’re so complex and complicated that I can’t even try and work through the emotions clearly.

I went running tonight, but after three miles I decided to take a break. I went to the basketball court behind the Youth Sports building and decided to try and do a meditation to get into a clearer headspace. I found a series just for grief so I started that one.

During it, she asked me to picture my grief. What does it look like? I could only picture your smiling face and me trying to grab you, but I couldn’t. Baby boy, I cried so much during this that while I was lying down, the tears just ran down into my ears and my air pods got all messed up.

I didn’t feel any better after. I didn’t feel like I had this clear mind now, but I did something. I know I’m supposed to just feel whatever it is during the moment, but it’s difficult not to question yourself when you don’t exactly know what you’re feeling.

I’m hoping tomorrow is “okay”. I don’t need it to be “good” or “better”, I just want to make it through. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.