My baby boy,

The feeling of being absolutely overwhelmed is full force right now. I keep doing random things here and there that don’t seem like I’m making any substantial headway. Today I pressure washed some area rugs, took down the curtains in my room, packed up my books, and pressure washed the fence, driveway, and walkway. Why I took my curtains down, I have no idea. My room looks less like home and less comfortable now, but I guess taking the curtains down made me feel like I was accomplishing something. You notice right away that the curtains are gone, so maybe that’s my way of saying, “look, I did something!”.

It’s just deja vu. I was doing this same thing last year, but with a much different future ahead of me.

Ellie didn’t have a dream about you last night, but I had my first dream in months that didn’t include people trying to kill me. Maybe you were too busy orchestrating my dream to visit your sister.

I’m going to try and get a few bigger pictures made and sent to Gma and Pap’s house before we actually move. That way, I can walk into this new house and it’ll feel like “our home” and you’ll be in it.

Baby, I just miss you. It seems like the more stressed and overwhelmed I get, the more the loss of you hangs around in my head. You’d think since there’s so much going on that I wouldn’t have room to focus on missing you as much, but it stays there. It shuts me down.

I wish you’d just come back home. I wish I could hold you. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.