My Isaiah Joseph,

Ten years ago today I announced that I was pregnant with you. Ellie was just herself for the picture and made it even more memorable.

I was driving today and for some reason just pictured you sitting behind me in your seat. I was by myself so maybe it was you showing up at the time.

The front room is slowly starting to fill with moving boxes again. I still have a lot of work to do, but it’s coming along. It’s like I’m going back in time a little bit. Last May that front room was halfway filled with piles and piles of boxes. After I lost you, I couldn’t live like that and needed to make the house feel like “home” again.

I pulled out the little bag that has your hair that I cut off at the last minute in it. I sometimes just run my fingers through it and think of your crazy and sweaty head. Today while I was looking at it, I wondered if it bothered you when we were cutting pieces off in the hospital. I knew at that point that you weren’t coming home. Almost eight months later and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with the hair.

Ellie could use a visit from you in her dreams. She’s really been struggling the last few months. I started to notice things around November and she just didn’t quite seem like herself. Her anxiety is back full force and the counselor called me to ask what was going on because she just seemed “off” the last few times. She hates crying and likes to keep everything locked up. I try and talk to her about you, but she doesn’t like to say too much. I don’t know why she’s so concerned about holding in her feelings and not crying. Let’s be honest, I’ve been a crier since I got pregnant with Ellie. Once pregnancy started and I had kids, I cried at the drop of a hat. Since losing you she’s seen me cry every day. Maybe just visit her? Tell her you love her? Play one of your old games with her?

Our world will forever be different after losing you. I love you more than anything, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.