My one and only, Isaiah Joseph,

I wish you could have seen the me as the I woman and mom that I am today. Would you even see a difference though? I bet if I asked your siblings right now they’d look at me like I was crazy. Perhaps I’m the same mom, but believe in the things I’m saying and actually doing them myself.

Since having kids, I wanted to instill so many things in you guys. I wanted you to be authentically yourself. I wanted you guys to know that whatever you were was exactly what you needed to be. I wanted you to treat people with kindness and respect and expect that back from people in your lives. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to know that you were enough.

I always felt like I fraud because I had so many of my own personal issues. How can I sit there and preach to not worry about what other people think, while I become quiet and disappear because I think I’m just too weird and not as interesting as everyone else. How can I tell you to be confident in your decisions, even when someone negatively judges you? I’m the one who automatically clocks the way someone looks at me and put myself down for whatever I said, did, or believed. I wanted you guys to be a lot of things that I wasn’t.

I spent most of my time being your mom while thinking I wasn’t enough. I needed to find that perfect balance. I needed to find my purpose. I was constantly looking for something within myself that would just allow me to be content with where my life was. You and your siblings probably would think I’ve been the same mom the whole time. You guys didn’t sit there and constantly hear the inner monologues I was telling myself. I’ve been trying to practice what I’m always preaching to you guys.

There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t know how to put it into words. I already feel like I’m rambling, so I will just stop with that tangent.

I took your brothers to the goat farm today. I wish I would have known about it before you passed away. You would have loved it. There was nothing to it, just a bunch of goats, but we were there over an hour. The baby goats were adorable.

There was a little shop and we went in. They made their own gelato there, so I thought your brothers would definitely get that. Nope. They got a Shaka tea and a juice box. I attempted to talk them into something else, but that’s what they wanted. I had some goat milk, chia seed, and haupia thing. It was delicious. Lucas thought it was okay, but Elijah refused to try it.

It’s 10:17pm, which means it’s way past my bedtime. I talked to the landlord of the house yesterday and he asked if I smoked. I said, “No. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I’m usually in bed at 8:30pm”. He replied with, “so you’re boring”. He is eighty years old.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.