My baby boy,

I’ve been having the most vivid dreams every single night. They always center on the same two themes, someone/something is trying to kill everyone, and the personal stuff that came out last year. Some of these dreams are downright disturbing. I googled it this morning, because Google knows all the answers sometimes, to see if it was “something”. According to Google, they are caused by stress and PTSD. I have both those things from this past year and constantly replaying that day in my head all the time. I’m hoping once we move I will sleep better. Maybe that’ll help the extra stress I have and the dreams will be fewer and farther inbetween.

I went back and watched your Honor Walk today. I haven’t watched it in months and probably haven’t actually seen it since I posted it. Watching your siblings say “goodbye” to you is heart-wrenching. As you watch the video and look at the faces of everyone in it, it’s clear how tough it was. There was a nurse crying who was never even your nurse. I’m so proud of you for helping people even in your final moments on this Earth.

I do wish that I would have run back down the hallway as they took you to the OR. I had given you so many “final” kisses and said bye “goodbyes” more times than I could count. I was never ready to let you go, though. Even if I ran into that OR, it wouldn’t have been enough for me.

I’ve got a lot to say to you tomorrow, but I’m going to cut it for today. The video wiped me out. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.