Hi my baby boy,

I took the boys to the Rainbow Park today. We haven’t been back there since you were with us. Even then, I think I only went once after Miss Brittany moved. It always made me sad to go there knowing she wasn’t there. When Miss Whitney and Miss Brittany moved away from Missouri I used to run past their old houses at night just to make me miss them more.

We played Monster at the Rainbow Park. You’d be so proud, Lucas juked me once really well and I completely missed him. Elijah had a great getaway the one time when he ran through a little cutout in the park that was far too small for anyone else to fit through. I still think I’m at a distinct disadvantage at that park. There so many small and short places that you guys could move much quicker through. I’m always having to duck, turn sideways to fit through, or getting stuck in the twirly tube slide and I once my way down. I did wonder how you’d do over there now. You were having a rougher time getting through the park before because of how you were growing. You could still weave through it, but not as easily. Who knows how tall you’d be now.

Baby, I feel as though I’ve been holding it together the best I can given all the circumstances of this last fourteen months, but now I’m second-guessing that. Maybe the move will help? I just feel so incredibly lost. My quality of sleep is the worst I think it’s ever been. I have thought that I was doing okay, but I think I’ve been just lying to myself the whole time. It’s just a constant worry on what I need to do for your siblings and how to best help them heal. I’ve done stuff for myself, but I’m just about ready to disappear.

I love you more than anything, sweetheart. Goodnight and sweet dreams.