My sweet boy,
I guess my letters to you are messing with my algorithm and today I saw a post recommending a movie called, If Anything Happens I Love You. This short little movie came out back in 2020, but I never saw it. To be honest, I probably would have never wanted to watch it. As a parent, the thought of ever losing a child was so horrible and uncomfortable that I would never let myself get to the “what ifs” with that. Whenever these horrible school shootings happened I would start to wonder how the parents would survive it, but I would shut that down right away. I didn’t want to even try to think how a parent would possibly feel losing a child. It’s actually uncomfortable.
However, I have lost you now and figured I might as well watch it since it’s about grieving parents’ journeys. I actually thought it was kind of mindless to decide to watch it, but once I saw it existed I needed to watch it.
I watched it differently than I would have before I lost you. I obviously cried, but that would have happened regardless because of what I watched. However, I saw myself in both the parents in the movie. At one point the mom opens the dryer and finds one of her daughter’s shirts in there. The puts the shirt up to her face and just slides down to the floor. Yesterday I was in your room organizing your legos and saw your green billabong shirt behind your door. This was the one article of clothing that got missed and didn’t get washed after you passed. I just sat in your room and put it up to my face and just breathed in. There was no “Isaiah smell” since you really didn’t have one yet and I knew that, but still did it.
As the parents sat there and walked around their minds would flashback to various memories they had with their daughter. The dad looked at a break in the outside wall his daughter caused and all I could think of was your smiley face on the side of the van. There was a soccer ball and I just remember you playing soccer at every stage. You started playing around three and I remember you were with Bella. You guys didn’t play any games, it was just working on skills. However, we were out there with you the whole time. Later, I helped coach your team and you always wanted to be late in order to miss the single lap you had to run on the field. In your final soccer year, you played up with the older kids so you and Ellie were on the same team. You were taller than most of the kids on your team and some parents thought you and Ellie were twins. Then after your passing, we discover that your last team was coached by your favorite teacher’s husband and your future best-friend was on that team. It’s crazy.
At one point in the movie the parents were thinking back to the day their daughter went to school and lost her life. While she was walking in, the parents’ shadows tried anything they could to stop her from going into that school. I wish I could go back to that day I lost you and somehow stop it. I still wonder what the heck I could have done to change the current outcome. I don’t think I could have saved you, I don’t. However, when the reality is losing your son, the only thing you can ask yourself is how could this have been avoided?
When they were doing CPR on the beach that day, I held your leg and just stared. I said “come on, Isaiah” a few times, but that was it. I wish I could go back now and just keep telling you how much I loved you into your ear. Would you have heard me? I have no idea. I tell myself it would make me feel better now, but I know it actually wouldn’t. I hope you heard me say everything I did that five days in the hospital. Once the event happened and my mind started to try and process losing you, I said so much. I said absolutely everything I wanted to. Your brain had mostly shut down that first day. So I hope your spirit was hanging out inbetween and you heard all I had to say.
I miss you every single second of every single day. Please know that we all love and miss you more than we ever knew was possible. Keep watch over us, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.