Isaiah Joseph,

Your sister’s birthday is tomorrow. I hope you can stop by and see her. She’s twelve, going on seventeen with her attitude and sass. Daddy is actually flying in tomorrow for the weekend and your siblings have no idea he’s coming. He’s getting in around ten in the morning, I think, he has yet to send me his actual scheduled landing time. I’m hoping the surprise of daddy will help ease the pain of you not being here. Obviously it won’t replace the pain, but maybe just dull it a little.

I had therapy today and I talked to her about the flashbacks I had at the hospital. I told her that I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to “stop them” when they came or if I was supposed to “deal with them”. She explained that dealing with the grief of losing you and the flashbacks are completely different. When I have the flashbacks, my body feels like it’s back in that moment. That’s why my emotions went haywire, that’s why my chest got heavy, that’s why things started to spin out of control.

She told me that when I get flashbacks and start to relive any portion of it, I need to be more mindful and aware of my surroundings. She said I need to use my senses wherever I am. How many green shirts can I see? How many lights are on? Can I smell anything? How do the chairs feel? She told me I need to just keep going until I really bring both my body and my mind back into the present and out of the flashback.

Someone sent me something today about doing the little things in big grief. It made me realize that those “little things” are big things during my current time in life. I don’t give myself credit for them or feel like it on a daily basis, but that nice little moment of realization was nice.

What can a person expect to do after losing a child? There are no expectations and my main goals have been to survive and to continue to care for your siblings to the best of my ability. I’m still here. I may be an emotional wreck who has lost their way in life, but I’m here. I’m sure I could always be a better mom, but I’m trying. With things involving dealing with grief from your loss, I’m outsourcing because I can’t even figure that one out myself.

I hope you’re watching over us and I hope you’re not up there thinking we are just wasting away down here. We are all trying our best and missing you is just debilitating. Life without you is a struggle to get through.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.