Isaiah Joseph,

Tonight is just one of those nights where I’m letting outside things get to me. They shouldn’t and one of them is absolutely pointless so I hate how it sits there and bothers me. I read the “Let Them” theory book thanks to someone recommending it, but I can’t seem to “let” some people.

Chase is going back to the rescue tomorrow. Actually, he’s going to go get trained by someone for a month and then going back to the rescue. I feel like I’ve failed. We had Apollo for twelve years, Bella for six, they’ve moved five times including across the Pacific and back.

Chase doesn’t stop jumping or biting. He jumps and bites your siblings every time they walk, sit down, or even try and pet him. He’s the same height as Elijah so he’s managed to bite him in the mouth. He jumps on people and takes any food they have out of their hands or knocks down their plates. I know I said I needed more chaos in my life, but he’s adding so much and hurting your siblings.

To add even more, he jumps at the door to try and get out whenever anyone leaves. He will jump up, make the handle go down, and open the door. My wonderful neighbor, who has never said a word to me, has apparently called the cops on us twice now because he told them I’m “letting the dog run around the yard without a leash”. I got a letter and a call from animal control today. I wish the neighbor would have said something, but he didn’t. I want to get one of those air tube guys they put in front of mattress stores and put it in my yard, facing his. I can’t “let him”.

Maybe this is what happens when the rest of your life is just completely a mess and someone can’t just be a decent human, you become petty.

You should know that I started feeding the deer here. I’m pretty sure that’s frowned upon in the area, but it makes me happy. There’s a lot of them around here and they are there every morning when I take Ellie to the bus stop. You should know that I greet them the same way that I greeted Red in Hawaii. The one mama hears me say it and starts to walk over. The other ones hang behind her a little and don’t trust me as much, but I will get there with them. I went from feeding Red and the whole cardinal family in Hawaii, to the chickens, and now the deer. It brings me joy right now, so I’m going to do it.

I also got in my mind that maybe daddy could get closer when he leaves Hawaii this summer. When I say “closer”, I mean Pittsburgh. Your siblings miss him and want him around more. Regardless of our history, once we lost you I wanted to hold together whatever version of “family” that we could. Daddy has been in the Army for almost fourteen years and I know better than to get my mind set on something. As a reminder, we thought we were definitely moving to North Carolina until daddy opened up his orders and we were surprised with Hawaii.

I wish I could get a hug from you, an “I love you”, or even a complaint about brushing your teeth, taking a bath, or having to watch Molang. I like to tell myself the one thing that could make me feel just a little better is something that I could never have.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.