Baby boy,

My algorithm is now flooded with mediums, specifically clips from The Long Island Medium. I always used to watch that show and daddy would make fun of me. I didn’t know if it was real, but the emotions the people were showing as they got these “messages” always made me cry. I’ve googled her and other ones, wanting it to be real, but having a difficult time fully believing it. I’d like to come across someone one time in the wild who could connect to the other side. I would hope I could hear from you. In all honesty, I feel like I’ve put way too much information out there to the world that I would second guess it anyway.

Elijah said something to me yesterday and it unlocked a new fear of something in the future. He told me that he wanted his own room because he needed more privacy and “Lucas cries about daddy all the time and I can’t sleep”. I know him and Lucas won’t share a bedroom forever, but neither one of them wants to sleep alone so it wasn’t even on my radar.

The thought that came along with that statement which elevated my anxiety was “what will happen to Isaiah’s room?”. I know I won’t be in this house forever, we are only renting it. However, I don’t think we will be moving into a five bedroom house when we do move. What happens when I can’t dedicate an entire room to you? I know that I never know when I will be “ready”, but I know that I am in no way ready to not have your room set up.

I have your pictures up everywhere, your Lego builds, stuff from school, your urn, but nothing makes me feel closer to you in this house than your room. I can go into your room and just take everything in and be right back in your room with you in Hawaii.

Since Chase has been in the house, your door has stayed closed. I don’t like it, but he chews everything and I cannot chance something happening to one of your belongings.

I’ve been experienced sadness through my life, but never grief. I don’t know how I will ever learn to live beside my grief, but hopefully one day I do. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.